Bankrupt

I just realized it was Sunday.

It seems that time has just slipped away from me these last few days. There's only 24 hours each and every day to use and spend wisely, or perhaps the opposite. I sometimes think that we overlook the fact at how long a day is, how long an hour is, how long a minute is. I mean, just stare at a clock for an entire minute, completely silent. It truly is a very long time. Equally interesting to think of is exactly what we are spending those minutes doing all day. Take any minute of any given day. What are you doing? In the middle of a text? Watching a video? Listening to a lecture? Or are we even capable of remembering for a segment of time what exactly we are doing from 4:46 to 4:47 on any given day? I guarantee that we wouldn't be able to. Perhaps that shows a little bit of how much we are overlooking our days.

But what about having too little time?

Especially as students, our lives are absolutely stacked with tasks that leave us with little to no time. For instance: school for myself starts at 7:40. At 3:00 when school ends, band goes until 5:15. When I do not have band, work starts at 4:30 and goes until 8:00. From there, it's homework, and then sleep. What about the weekends? Work from 11:00 to 1:30 and 4:30 to 8:00, and band all day Saturdays. That is a lot of time being spent. But, given, there are only 24 hours in a day. What about the days where you have so many things to do, you don't have enough time to do it in? What happens then? Well, unfortunately, that is the situation I've been placed in recently. Robbed of my time.

Bankrupt.

But perhaps I'm looking at it all wrong. Future oriented. Perhaps it isn't necessarily how I am going to spend this time, it is what I have spent that time doing. Perhaps we do truly need time to be ourselves. We can't simply exhaust ourselves. But how are we going to find the time to do that? Well, time is all relative. Of course, a lot of the freedoms we once had from that of summer vacation are all gone, but there is still hope beyond the horizon. Just give it time.

Even if there is no time to give.

Time Flies

Aren't flies the most annoying thing?

It seems like a petty thought at first, but when the thought is broken down, it suddenly becomes apparent that the mere existence of flies is simply to annoy the ever loving piss out of you. The fly does not serve any sufficient means of usefulness, the fly does not aid to the planet, the fly doesn't even look appealing. Bug eyed (no pun intended), monochrome palette, desperate for attention, overpopulated, flies are just...abrasive. There can be no one single person on this Earth that does not see this aggravating creature as a nuisance. How pitiful for a creature to feel utterly useless, receiving the short end of the stick in the evolutionary chain. Simply labeled a louse.

But how are flies one of the most inspiring entities we know of?

The life cycle of a typical housefly lasts anywhere from two weeks to a month. To some, this case may bring even more evidence to the uselessness of a fly. However, imagine living as a fly, born from the start as a mere insect, confined to such a short amount of time to live. This thought brings forth the question as well: are flies capable of consciousness? Of course not, a bug cannot produce the same complexity of thought that human beings possess the capabilities of doing, but there certainly must be something that drives these flies to behave in the manner that they do. Frantically buzzing about, careening in a mesh of flight, escaping the plight of swatting hands, desperately attempting a shot at life, and a short one at that. When analyzed from a different point of view, a comical fly suddenly becomes a courageous hero who simply wants to do what any other creature desires to do: live a full life. That phrase is important because it allows us to ask the same questions:

Are we living the same way as flies do?

Although the life cycle of a human is much longer than that of a fly, this could potentially spoil the opportunity that we have in our own lives. Is 75 years of life too generous? Are we using every single second to our advantage? Or, say, if we only had two weeks to a month to do all we wanted to do...would we do it? In reality, flies exist to be born, reproduce, and die. Perhaps it is the natural order of beasts to simply live out the purpose of a life. But does that devalue the life of a human? The reason flies are seen so negatively is because of the fact that the purpose of a fly is expendable. Flies are meant to reproduce. If a human simply lived for a purpose that was deemed unfit for a human to live for, are we no better than a fly on the wall?

Well, let's look at it this way.

Flies, obviously, possess no consciousness in order to have the power to appreciate their life and the sights they see. Flies are born with the ability of flight, even named after the ability of flight, something that many people see as one of the grandest luxuries. But humans are able to perceive emotions, appreciate the belongings we claim, use our lives for more than just the purpose of reproduction. As today is the last day of summer, many of us reflect upon the last three months and how quickly they may have went by, along with the memories correlating with the time span. In such a way, this is the end of one life cycle, and the beginning of the next. Perhaps, this life cycle was not as memorable as we would have desired. But the beauty of life is that our lives keep going. We continue to persevere through obstacles, stress, and troubling times, with the hope that there is a tomorrow waiting for us. Just as a fly does. Does this mean that we are no better than flies? No. It means that life is what you make of it. Make it worth it.

Time flies, after all.

Turn the Tide

It's been close to a month.

A lot can change in what seems like such a short time. Yet, day to day, hour to hour, time is always ticking. There is never a moment in life where something is not happening; needless to say in this retrospect, life goes on. Whether we decide to hop on the train and ride with life or dwell back at the station while life is passing us by miles away, or perhaps we are already at the next station, waiting for life to catch up. In either situation, it turns out that we are the makers of our own lives. We, single-handedly, are the creators of our own fate, what is to come, what is yet to be. Such power can reap incredible benefits or summon dire consequences based on the choices that we make. With decisions having to be made every second, what does that leave over the span of an entire month?

Radical change.

Certainly, something I've been realizing. The tides have turned, a new horizon surfaces on the skyline, revealing a brand new picture ahead of us. Yet, it seems that as the tide rolls out into the ether of ocean, I have been swallowed by the ravenous sea of troubles that have breached the surface as of late. No longer am I able to behold the new horizon, but instead dwell in the riptide of the past. Drowning. A month has taken an unbelievable toll on me, unfortunately for the worst. My sense of direction has been diluted like the water that binds me in its grip. Like the buffer of time underwater, it feels as if time has slowed down, every day drags on longer as my breath becomes thin in tolerance to the overwhelming amount of stress I have been dealt. If it is true that we are indeed the creators of our own fate, I must say to my misfortune I've created something terrifying: a monster.

A monster of fate.

This does not end my pursuit for the future, however. I have been faced with odds tremendously out of my favor, so many doubts to hinder any chances of progressing further from this nightmare. Yet, it is only the best to continue to tread water. Why? Simply, because the tide is ever changing. Although I have been swallowed by the drink since my last post, I am still close to the surface. I am merely working right now to return to land once more. When I break the surface of this sea of troubles, I will obviously come out a different person. But perhaps, this new me will be someone that I am happy with. To leave behind every piece of negativity that weighs me down, to reach the shore and begin to stand up on my feet once more. It's a distant goal. But it's one that I am confident to reach, regardless of what my present situation tells me. Hopefully, others can relate with me. I suppose what I really just want to let people know is that there's still hope. Maybe not a lot, but enough to pull you out of the ocean.

You just gotta keep treading water.

Passing Through

Hello to my readers.

It's been a couple of weeks since I've put out any new material. While I wish I could say that it is the product of laziness or a lack of ideas for what to blog about, this isn't the case. Things in my present life are...well, not so good. Circumstances beyond my control have limited my ability to have much free time anymore, as there are some bigger and more important matters in my life that I have to attend to. This isn't the end of my blog as we know it, but for now it is in the best interest that I put my blogging on hold for a little while. The events currently taking place in my life are rather personal, and I'd prefer not to keep everyone updated on what is going on. Just realize that even as a writer, I'm going though a great deal of difficulty and just need a little bit of support from whomever I can get it from. Perhaps this entire issue will blow over and I'll just be passing through the dark alley full of negatives, but until then I just have to keep walking. Sorry to my regular readers, and even my casual readers, but right now there are matters bigger than me that I have to deal with, successfully or otherwise. Thank you everyone for your continuing support, and I'll do my best to provide you with more material as soon as I can.

Thanks again, guys.

Kindred Spirits

I've been overwhelmed this week.

Overwhelmed in the physical and emotional sense? Why yes, of course. More than I have ever been taxed in years. Yet, my undertaking to my weaknesses are not the subject of this week's post. Instead, I wish to talk of the overwhelming surge I have succumbed to spiritually. I have sought to a haven of sorts (that is to say that anywhere but my house is a haven) by staying down in Pueblo for the week. New and fresh thoughts were able to frolic freely throughout my mind while outside the cloud of disdain and suppression that lies within my normal living quarters. Thankfully, many new ideas have sprouted during this journey, which also gives me material to ponder about for the next few weeks. I do hope you enjoy this, what I anticipate will become, three part series of things I have come to realize during my spiritual journey of sorts. Which, on the topic, I encourage that everyone try and seek out a haven to provoke thought. Remember:

Anywhere can be a haven.

Moreover, this particular feeling of perpetual spiritual overwhelm came to me in the form of a sunset. Seeking for an escape from my reality, I attempted to do so by simply thinking. Meditating. Understanding my environment in order to get a hold of my life's direction (which will be discussed sometime during this series). This feeling was further strengthened by watching a particular movie that peaked my interest, Cloud Atlas, which indoctrinated a sense that I have pondered much before. How small are we in the scope of relativity to existence? It almost came as a thought further deepening a reckless feeling of abandonment, but by watching Cloud Atlas, it all helped me come together in my thought to realize that although we as humans, as a community, as a state, as an entire being, are small in nature;

Our encounters are infinite.

What a thought. To say that such a butterfly effect is prevalent in our lives, that one action done by humans in the past have influenced our encounters today. Although the argument of the human spirit is up for debate, it makes sense that our spirit would continue on through some sort of external life. That our actions today completely invent the events of tomorrow. We all, as humans, are connected. Through the hatred of our own brothers and sisters of this Earth, through all that we encounter to judge against such a fact, we, as a species, are all one. As the character David Mitchell explains in Cloud Atlas, we are all simply an ocean. Unfathomable amounts of worthless human life together, but yet is all brought together through one common bond: what is any ocean but a multitude of drops? Together we form waves that wither away the sands of time in order to create a new landscape on the coast of generations to come, with each of us contributing our own power to make our own drop worth something.

We are all worth something in this world.

Trail of Thought

More philosophy this week!

I read a friend of mine's statement this week about their fascination of whether they had been inspiration for any literature. Such a simple sporadic thought, yet it influenced quite a few questions in my head. First, one must live quite an interesting life to ponder whether they are profound enough to inspire entire pieces of writing. Then again, it seems to be the most anonymous of people that lead to the masterpieces of the modern era we are accustomed to. Perhaps this is a useless argument in itself. Regardless, the second question that surfaced was what made this person want to inspire literary masterpieces. Is the want to inspire any less different than the unintentional inspiration? Does it negate the actual effect of inspiration to consciously decide to influence?

No, of course not!

Influence comes through some of the most unlikely spots. I mean, even writing this blog right now, I have been enticed within the desire to become an inspiration for what is an unknown purpose (at least to myself). Perhaps my friend may never realize that they have influenced writing, because often the inspiration given off by others latches on to individuals randomly and generally unknowingly to the source, producing a trail of endless thought behind them. What intrigues me about this though is that behind the wish to be an inspiration lies someone who is absolutely capable of inspiring some of the most creative of poetry, the most elegant of novels, and yet this side is often exposed. Why willingly choose to hide the very element you wish to pollinate amongst the public?

I mean, you could write books on this person.

This got me thinking even further. Does humanity consciously make the decision to hide the alter ego within each of us? Earnestly and honestly, every single one of us has at least one contrast between what will be considered a "public" personality. What is it that makes us bury the other side or decide to selectively show it? Do we fear judgement of others? What I find peculiar is that humans are extremely critical of themselves, even through criticism of absolute strangers. What we are doing is preventing this inspiration that potentially lies within our separate personalities to be spread through our own fear of judgement by those who are least important.

I don't get that.

It's a cliche standard in today's society to encourage free expression, "express yourself" and what not. But you know what? This cliche is correct. Expression, a differentiation from the societal norm, is what influences others to think outside of the box. This difference, perhaps subconsciously, causes a response within ourselves in reflection to how we act. Are we simply another brick in the wall compared to this flaring ball of neon yellow? By leaving this trail, others are indirectly inspired and leave this giant ripple of inspiration until even the original source is influenced by another individual who was influenced by the original source in the first place. Confusing? Yeah, a little. But really, the message is clear in itself:

Be the inspiration.

Sphere of Knowledge

I haven't posted much philosophy lately.

Upon talking with a friend of mine (as it seems all of my ideas come from these days), I brought an old theory of mine that deals with the knowledge of the human mind. I had completely forgotten how invigorating talk concerning the human mind can be. There is so much left to be discovered; the mystery of how our own minds work may forever be unknown. Theories may spawn, small surges of knowledge may surface, but it is a long time until we are able to uncover the astronomical workings of our own thought and consciousness. But is it too much for humanity to ever know? Will humanity ever learn the secrets that lie within each and every one of us? It is this barrier that leads me to theorize:

Is human consciousness purposely limited in its knowledge capacity?

I like to think of this as my own theory, but on that note, there may be similarities in other theories or maybe even a duplicate of this theory. If that is the case, I have no knowledge of it, but it surely came before any of my theories. Just a quick disclaimer before going on. Anyhow, much of this theory is based upon the limitations of the brain itself. Whereas it is untrue that the brain only uses 10% of its capacity, it is true that the entirety of the brain's functions are not all constantly firing. Why is it that the brain is limited to certain sections in certain situations? What are the possibilities of full brain usage at one particular instance, and what restricts such possibilities? Such activity is exhibited in those with particular types of autism. Incredible feats can be performed because of this diagnosis, photographic memory and phenomenal intelligence. Could this perhaps be the result of a higher brain capacity?

This is where my theory comes into play.

I feel that the brain is limited intentionally within all normally functioning humans. This limitation of knowledge covers everything within our particular "Sphere of Knowledge" held within the brain. That being said, these spheres allow information to be conceived to a certain barrier, that being the circumference of the sphere. Upon the quest for knowledge concerning matters including but not limited to the existence of the universe, mankind's origins, and the afterlife, our own spheres prevent our consciousness from answers. Why is this? I believe that it is our own consciousness protecting us from knowledge that is meant to be unknown. The answers that lie ahead may be so unfathomably groundbreaking that humanity is simply not meant to discover it. Perhaps, breaking the barrier or attempting to break the barrier of the Sphere of Knowledge can also influence negativity or depression, holding knowledge that is much more monumental than mankind itself. It's a thought.

Or maybe I'm thinking too much.

Sustenance Abuse

It's time to talk about life again.

I feel like I've worn out this subject to the point where it really has no value anymore, but just when I say that, something happens that reinvigorates the thought process, so prolonging the conversation. Really, that's all this blog has come to anyways. Life. Living it, enduring it, breathing it, and in some cases, cheating it. In a mild manner, that's the subject of this week's blog. Cheating death. Many of us can reach back and detail a story where, perhaps, life nearly slipped away from our grasp. Hell, I've heard stories where life did fall out of reach, and yet some were still able to get it back. One of these stories came to me through the eyes of one of my better friends, to which I had no knowledge of until just yesterday. Apparently, my friend got into a pretty bad car wreck (from what I gather, the car rolled and landed upside down), but still managed to crawl out of the car unscathed. Such a story is truly amazing, to be faced in death's looming presence and still yet managed to escape as if nothing happened. What is perhaps even more amazing is that through this experience, she says she still takes away a newfound appreciation for life.

And that got me thinking.

Now that I think of it, it normally takes a life changing event like a car crash to really get others to realize how meaningful yet unpredictable life is. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to criticize my friend for her appreciation or anyone that has ever had an experience of the like that gave new meaning to life, but it seems that often humanity forgets that life is not always a guarantee. Tomorrow is an expected force, an entitlement, a guarantee. In the grand scheme of things, this is never the case. It is usually the wake up call of a death-defying feat that gets us to see that. But what makes it that the majority do not already value life to the fullest extent? (I feel like I've talked about this before, but who cares, we're doing it again.) Humanity abuses life, always future seeking and rarely thinking of the present situation. Of course, it is a consideration, but is it ever kept in mind that today may very well be the very last day we exist? The last hour? Minute? Second?

Of course, this paranoia isn't necessary.

However, it does bother me that people expect another day, but it irritates me just the same on the opposite side of the spectrum with the mass of those who appreciate every day. Contradicting, I know, but there's a right and wrong way of doing so. I'm not a huge fan of those who use the cliche of living every day like it's your last. In that sense, appreciation because too literal and almost forced. It sounds obligatory to make every day model the very last, creating a cycle of last days that are just the same as what is supposed to be your last. Where is the variety? The spontaneity? The possible yet healthy danger? Even worse, these YOLO kids who don't even need an introduction, nor any of my attention.

It's all petty.

But truly, how much is too much or too little of your appreciation of life? What does it matter whether you needed a kick or not to appreciate it? As long as one does appreciate their life, or even simply go as far to acknowledge their life every now and again, that's all that matters. It's too mentally taxing to constantly tell yourself "Life is beautiful. Life is important. Life is a gift." It becomes mechanical at such point, even belittling the personal meaning of life. What does make life great is the lukewarm breezes, the flowers on the side of the road, the sun shiny days that are near that make us stop and realize, "Wow, life is great." I should know, it happens to me all the time. It's great to be alive, even when it may seem the opposite. Just a little thought for the week:

What is it in your life that truly makes life beautiful?

Mother's (Out-of)Touch

So it's Mother's Day.

If you couldn't tell already. It seems like everyone's appreciation is on full steam, which is an incredible thing. I feel like sometimes our parents are taken for granted, and if it takes a designated day to finally awaken that appreciation that should not be limited to just one day, that's fine by me. Just as I have mentioned before the importance of the dedication of a parent to their child, the same is so between a child and their parents. I see a lot of kids these days that are lacking a proper respect for their parents for what seems like no reason. Either it's because they aren't spoiled enough, or their parents won't let them do something, whatever. I'm sure we're all guilty of the occasional spite for our parents, and that's just because we're rebellious, hormonal teenagers. But those who incessantly disregard their parents for reasons which may be considered unreasonable truly bother me. It's just great to see people grateful for their mothers.

But...what about people who don't?

I don't mean those who aren't grateful. I mean those without mothers. For whatever reason, those who are left with no one to celebrate with seem to be overlooked today. I feel like those who don't have a mother need to be just as uplifted as everyone else today. It's incredibly difficult to live without a parent under any circumstances. To be reminded of it takes the hurt to a higher extent, but perhaps not. Maybe instead of mourning a loss, a celebration is still in order. Those who have lost their mothers or have had different mothers can still see light in the fact that they are alive because of a mother to bring them into this world. Fortunately, I can say that I have a mother.

But unfortunately, that's really all I can say.

It hurts a little to see everyone else have such fantastic relationships with their mothers, nearly to the point where I become envious because I don't have the same relationship with my mom. In fact, as of late, we really haven't had too much of a relationship at all. There has been a lot to set us apart from each other over the last few years, and I feel pretty bad about it. It's hard to feel like you're not enough because of the way you are, what you believe in, how you act, how you perform in school. That on top of being gone away from each other and being busy all the time. Sometimes she feels less of a mom and more of a room mate.

Which is horrible to say.

It's unfair for me to judge my mom like that. Even with a torn relationship, she is still my mom. I know even when she does things that hurt me or my brothers or anyone really, she still loves me. I just wish that we could be on better terms. But of course, wishing serves me nothing. It's action that will cause results, or the lack thereof. Although I may not have been able to see my mom much at all today, or really much at all anymore, I still have a mom. That's what counts, right? Maybe I am just as ungrateful as the kids I mentioned before, then call me a reckless teenager, but you can never discount anything. Even if it takes a designated day. That's fine with me.

I just want my mom back.

Hands in the Sands of Time

I had an invigorating conversation this week.

The subject was time. Ah, time, what a fantastic philosophical subject to delve into. I felt right at home discussing with a, intellectual (mind you), class of my peers the subject of time. Hearing the opinions that everyone gave based upon the interpretation of such a broad term did just so, broadening a topic that is all but concrete. But truly, is anyone right about time? By this I mean will humanity ever be able to capacitate the infinite spectrum time encompasses? In fact, is it plausible to define time as another measurement of time: infinite? It is not this, however, that I intend to crack. The tremendous mystery of such a marvelous concept always and forever will be over the heads of not only myself, but by humanity in its entirety, despite the discoveries which continue to be made. Time is never meant to be discovered. It is a supernatural force that is only relative to the position we fixate it upon. I merely come to ponder how we spend our time.

On those merits, we are all in a deficit.

Humanity is in irreconcilable debt to time. Our perception is clouded with the false implication that time is plentiful. We have so much time to live out the dreams and fantasies, the human expectation that tomorrow is a guarantee. Yet, it is a cliche to suggest that each day should be lived like it is our last day. Yeah yeah yeah, I've heard it all before, and that's not the way to live life either, especially in the way that this statement is being interpreted. Living like it is our last day constitutes others to act reckless, without any concern or care of what consequences may be confined after the fact. This is the absolutely wrong approach to take life in. On the contrary, those who feel that everything will be done later are also subject to similar objectivity. We will do our chores later. We will find our calling tomorrow. We will change the world eventually.

Why limit yourself?

Act right now. It is true, tomorrow is never a guarantee. Only a fool finds this as motive to carry out acts of selfishness and anarchy. Do you know what I try to do every single day? Make at least one person smile. That way, if today is truly the last day, the fate that the hands of time have decided for myself, I am known for the simple action of a smile. Time will, assumingly, always be present. We, on the other hand, will not. The hands of time are always pursuing us until we slow down just enough to be caught, like an eternal game of tag. But should we live in fear of capture? Surely not. Instead, celebrate the gift of another second to breathe in the air for another time. It makes me wonder what humanity would be capable of if we did not rely on the future as we do now. A generation of laters...what about a generation of doers? Initiating the very first step to appreciating the full sentiments of life.

It's got to start somewhere, y'know.

Onward

This is going to be a very personal blog.

I'm finally 17. It really doesn't feel any different. Heck, I have slipped up and said I was 16 a couple times afterward. But since I've become older, I have certainly observed my current situation. Where I am going now, and where I will go onward into the future. I mentioned last week that I had one person in particular to thank for sculpting me into the young man I am today, and who will hopefully continue to mold me into an image of something that I can be proud of.

But then I realized something.

I can't just thank one person. I have to thank another. They're both family. And really, it's unfair to say that I can only thank 2 people in my family for impacting me so much. I want it to be known that every single one of my family members I love dearly, but I just feel the need to have to thank two people in particular. They've just...done so much for me. Sometimes I don't feel like I credit them enough for how much they've contributed, when really I am eternally in debt to them for being a part of my family. It's just something I feel compelled to do.

So, here goes.

Marcus, thank you so much for being my cousin. Like, really. Thank you. We don't really have too many heart to hearts or anything, but let this be the heart to heart if there ever needed to be an introduction to needing one. It's a shame to even call you a cousin. You're a brother to me. You've been with me for nearly 13 years of my life. Although age may separate us, I've always seen you as an equal. You've included me into everything you do, through good and through bad. Really, you've been a role model to me. We've been through many of the same difficulties, and it's been surreal to see us both transform as time goes on. You aren't the same Marcus you used to be, and perhaps that is for the better. You're off to college, you're learning how to drive, you're an adult. That one's really hard to swallow, because that means that I am next in  line. It's a scary thought, that our adolescence is over. We're becoming more and more responsible for the big wide world that was once our playground as kids. I never want to have to leave the protection of childhood. Especially not without you. I have asked you of so much lately, and you have been there to hold me up. I know you have a lot of the same issues, and I wish that you didn't have to experience them. Neither of us should. It's an awful fate. But I know that all of this has made us both stronger. It hurts so much not being able to see you all the time, and even the times I see you I perhaps take for granted. You will always and forever be there with me. At least, I hope. I don't know what I'd do without you.

Thanks.

Lastly, but surely not least, probably the most I ever owe to any human being on this planet. Perhaps, they morph themselves into one collective being. At least that's what it seems like. Both have done just as much for me as anyone else has. My grandparents, particularly my grandmother, should truly be credited to turning me into what I would hope would be a respectable young man. Everything I do I try to do with the best intentions of both of you. It's a gift and a curse to try and do that. I let myself down a lot, and I feel like I do the same when I fall short of a goal. I'm sorry if I've ever disappointed you or taken advantage of you or haven't been good enough for you guys. Ever. You guys have taken me in as if I were your own child, and I'm still feeling the repercussions of that. The shockwave effect that you both have played in my life has gone for miles and miles, and will eternally continue. Grandma, especially, thank you for supporting all I do. Thanks for accepting me as a band geek, thanks for accepting me as an outsider in terms of my religious beliefs, thanks for accepting me in every blog that I have ever posted, thanks for accepting me for being what I want to be most: myself. I don't get that from a lot of people. No one else, really. Just you guys. You both provide for me a love which I can always feel in my darkest times and in my brightest. It hurts to think that someday I will not have you guys there by my side. Not being able to see where I may go in life. Perhaps not there to see great grandchildren that I will do my best to model with the love and compassion you have given to me. Just know that for as long as I am alive, I will do my best to attempt to give back to you what you have given to me. Perhaps that will take me my entire life. We'll see.

I just really can't thank you guys enough. Really. I love you both, and a blog post just isn't enough to tell you that. Thank you both for being in my life.

Selfless Promotion

Hello my readers!

This blog is not about me. This blog really isn't that serious in general. It's not even a Sunday! This certainly won't be a lengthly blog either, but I simply wanted to help out a good friend of mine who I feel deserves the utmost praise and respect, being a good friend of mine for a couple years now.

My friend Zach.

Zach has just started a brand new blog! It's always great to help promote friends of mine, and I figure perfect strangers have promoted me without me even knowing. So hey, I suppose I can return the favor, right? Zach's blog features his trademark humor that those acquainted with him know very well. A less serious approach than Catch 22, Zach observes some of the humorous and perhaps shameful things we see in our own lives and makes them into something we can all get a laugh about. This beautiful man is more than funny, he's a very deserving person and I would like to help him get out there.

So help him out!

Zach's blog, Ramblings from a Fat Kid, has just embarked on a wonderful journey. Give it a read, give it a shout out, make him a household name! His blog will also be on the side bar on the right under my favorite blogs. Perhaps if someone starts her blog again (you know who you are), I can add the count to two! But for now, Zach remains at the top of my favorites.

My blog resumes Sunday as always!

Seventeen

So it's my birthday tomorrow.

Ever since I was 10 years old, I have always made it a ritual to do something awesome the day before my birthday. Something as more of a parting to another year of life and a transition into bigger and better things moving on into maturity. I started by pulling my first all-nighter at 10 years old, and here I am about to be 17. I had a hard time thinking about what to do this year, really there's only so much you can do. I thought and I thought, and then I finally decided to do exactly what I had been doing that entire time. For the big event this year, I decided to recall how his entire year has been for me. A year is quite a bit of time, allowing for so much to happen. There's been a balance of positive and negative, and really the sweet 16 has been less sweet more tame. But now that I think about it further in depth, I have nothing to be upset about.

It's going to be a fresh start.

I began what is considered the start of my true teenage adolescence in a bit of a slum. Things were hard, honestly. I didn't think much of the new start. However, I was lucky enough to be able to hold on going into the future to begin the most memorable summer of my life. I'm absolutely grateful to have some of the greatest friends in the entire world to share some of the best memories I have to share, and still enjoy reminiscing to this day. That summer simply invigorated all of my creativity and desire for freedom and harnessed all of that energy into the fantastic time I had during that time. Band was amazing as always, meeting new people and being able to again share more experiences with great people, especially my current band director Mr. Freesen. He's completely invested into his students, and that spoke wonders to me in welcoming me to a new year.

Then school started.

Junior year caught me in a rut. I bit off a lot more then I could chew. This led me to slip a bit in my performance, which upsets me. I know my potential, and it makes me angry with myself that I haven't met it. School did introduce me to one person who has played a super important role in my life - my girlfriend. Whether I've shown it too much or not enough, she really has helped me through the entirety of this journey. I'm not often too public with my relationships, but she deserves more than I can credit her for. She's cared for me in the lowest of my times, she's been spectacular in all that she does. We've gone through some rough times, but what relationship doesn't? She's been one of the most important people to be in this last year. I'm so glad to have her. I really hope you know that, dear! There's another person I really have to credit also, now that I think about it. Not just for this last year, but for my entire life.

That's for next time though.

Target Acquired

What a fantastic spring break.

After an entire week of spending time with the people I love, I am sad to say I am finally back home. It's hard to tell where my home truly is after being in such a place like Florida. Being there brought back a childish and nostalgic feeling that I haven't felt in a long time, except I was with the only people I would ever want to be with. New memories were made that I will always cherish and never forget. I left nearly as much in Florida as it did with me, just such a new found perspective of the country and further exciting my desire to travel in the future. Disney was pretty much all I expected - over hyped and over priced - but all that aside, I really had a fantastic experience in the park. The magic of teenage angst was in the air and we were all breathing it in. It felt like nothing could bring us down.

Well, it's all over now.

Back on to the radar. Back to the same, regular lifestyle. It feels as if all the memories and freedom from Florida have all been stripped away. We've all simply been dropped back into life, right back into the same position we were right before this journey. Except this time, there is no escape. There are no means of fleeing  the everyday troubles we all encounter. Just tomorrow, we will be thrown back into school to stress us out even more as we become painfully closer and closer to the end of the year. A time, frankly, I am agonizingly waiting for. It hit me hard yesterday knowing that the big pinnacle of the year for me, the trip, was now done and over with. Even now, I'm still in denial. I just can't believe that all of the problems, the sadness, the loneliness, the stress that was waiting for me back here has finally caught up with me. I feel no different than before I left.

I've become the target once more.

I made the analogy of the radar last week. How strong my desire was to just drop off the radar and live anonymously with people I love and would do anything for to adventure amongst the world with no limits nor bounds. Florida has made me realize that I want that feeling more than ever. In fact, Florida may have even made me feel worse. Such a perfect place like Florida made me realize all that is beyond this world, all I have left to discover in my journey though life. Yet, I am confined to my own little city to face issues that are simply monumental. It's a terrible feeling, to be back on the radar. I have now become a target. A target to everything that had lost track of me during my spring break, but is now coming full speed to attack me again.

I just want to get out of here.

Off the Radar

Thank God the week is over.

This last week has certainly been one of the most trying and laboring week I have faced in a long time. Long last, spring break has finally arrived to salvage students of all kinds for a week of solitude and freedom. The weather is absolutely beautiful, further characterizing the picturesque spring break. I'm really glad that I am able to get away for a little while. In doing so, I'll be able to clear my mind from the burden of work and the stress of every day life and send myself in exile to paradise. Quite literally, in fact. I have the honor of taking the trip to Florida and spending my break in the magical world of Disney (and I use the term magical loosely).  Whether this haven is truly as glorified as it seems, it's just so nice to be away from the everyday norms that I'm so accustomed to. To travel to a far away place and be able to be someone else for a whole week...

That's the true magic.

Just being with all of my great friends and colleagues, running around in the greatness that is Florida, returning to the ocean I have fallen in love with and experiencing new feelings. The thought itself excites me. I love being able to travel and see different aspects of the world. Albeit, it's only a trip to Florida, but it is a trip nonetheless. It allows the opportunity to leave everything behind. Sure, you'll have to come back to what you were, but for the moment you can be whatever you want. It's a shame that this phenomena only allows for a week of time. A week is just too short of a time to leave it all behind. There's just so much to do in so little time. Why escape for just a week? Escape for two weeks. A month. A year. Forever. What a dream...

To drop off the radar.

No curfew to abide by. No schedule to review. No one constantly monitoring your every move. No, it's just you, great people, and an extravagant experience. For once, it would feel great to not have one single care in  the world. This is why I long for the endless summer days and nights with all of my friends, the warm nights keeping us safe and an aura of youth lingering throughout the entire world. If only we were able to just get away from it all for a while.

I guess this break will have to do.

Less Than, or Equal To?

≤

In mathematical terms, the above symbol means less than or equal to. Generally it is substituted in place of an equals sign within an equation when the result has a variable that cannot exceed a given value. Math is definitely one of those topics where the concept may be difficult to grasp for some. Every single equation leads to a logical answer given from an equation, or a problem. Math is not necessarily a feasible entity though. Although it works within our lives, math is never something we can physically see. Life, however, poses its own problems into our lives. These equations are worked out in our own time, much differently than a math problem. We take two values or even just one value, and we set it equal to an answer. At least, most things are equal. Humanity is not necessarily something that will let equality reign free. It has been an issue in the past, it will be an issue in the future, and it is an issue now. One equation that humans can not seem to agree on.

Why can't a man plus a man equal a marriage?

I know the topic seems like it was just dropped and may be irrelevant, but I have a lot to say now that the Supreme Court has heard the case of Hollingsworth v. Perry. I had no idea what this case even was. After reading the full oral transcript of the hearing, I feel like I have grasped the ideas each side expresses pretty well. A lot of these reasons are logical in the sense that each side must present the constitutionally of the issue, rather than the morality or ethics of the issue. The audience however, the casual observer can think whatever they want. After seeing the outburst of opinions and emotions of the issue, I am only left with one legitimate question. I don't want to stir the pot or make a great big scene out of it, but I genuinely want to know:

Why can't two people of the same sex be married?

Please, enlighten me. Because the Bible says so? Okay, let's talk about the Bible for a bit. With that being said, I am no Bible basher, but I do have my own feelings over this literature, and it's certainly questionable. A little history lesson for you: there was once a time where prejudice of one group of people ran absolutely rampant amongst American culture. That was the era after the Civil War where African Americans were seen as the lowest of the low. You were absolute scum if you were black. The funny thing? The Bible was used by the pro segregation community to say that black people were made inferior by God and even justified that slavery was legal under God. Harsh interpretation? Well, look at what is happening right now. The same exact thing with the gay community. We feel differently about black people now because our feelings changed. Where is there no room for the thought process to change on the gay community? You might argue that black people can't help the way they are, but it is a choice to be gay.

Well, consider the following.

Hundreds of millions of American soldiers are sacrificing themselves to provide freedom for our beautiful country. Often, when they arrive home, many are homeless, jobless, and generally shoved aside from regular communities. Yet, we see this as such a disgrace. These soldiers fighting for God and their country should be treated like heroes! They have put everything on the line for us! Well, if we use the same logic that we feel about the gay community (since it is a soldier's choice to go to war), they deserve to be homeless and jobless and sleeping in the streets even if they have served our country the greatest sacrifice they can. They don't deserve anything, because they weren't born into the military. The general argument is of course it's a different scenario where these people deserve recognition and respect because they've done something for this country and should be treated differently than gays who have not.

No. No they shouldn't.

What is so hard about giving someone respect? Where did that go? Isn't there scripture in the Bible that tells you to love thy neighbor? Of course, but there's an exception for gays. Come on, really? Times are radically changing in our lifestyle. Things that were once held standard are starting to be questioned and even accepted by our community. Why can't this be another one of those issues? People have been showing this form of equality by spreading around the equals sign, =, that expresses their desire to be treated as another human being.

But they shouldn't be treated the same.

In fact, the gay community is a thriving culture of loving and caring people that I know love life more than the next person. Although shunned and bashed and torn apart in our society, they love the way they are. Because they know that such arrogance will only be defeated by keeping their head high and treating others with the respect they deserve. Equality shouldn't be the expected result. These people should live without the fear of being lynched for their feelings, or bullied because of who they love. The fact of the matter is that gays are humans. They should not be less than nor equal to our society, but instead greater than or equal simply because they are one of us. Human. Isn't that just simple math?

≥

Be a Man

I'm going through a tough time.

I was walking home a couple weeks ago. I live next to a school with a park; naturally there are going to be kids and parents run amuck through the open fields of play. I overheard a conversation between a father and daughter who presumably lived within my neighborhood. The girl couldn't have been older than 5 or 6, and the father was in either his late 30's or early 40's (drug use could have made him look older, but who knows). Besides that, I had no idea who either of them were. All I heard passing by on the brisk evening was the following conversation:

"Do you love mommy?"
"Yeah!"
"Do you love daddy?"
"Nu-uh!"
"Why don't you love daddy?"
"Because you're always gone, daddy. I never see you."

That scene has replayed in my head many, many times since then. Every time I hear the young girl's reasoning, so rich and innocent with childhood, it makes me think of myself as a child. The life I have lived.

My own father.

I grew up like most children. A mom and a dad under one roof. Plain and simple. Around the age of 6, I started seeing my dad less. There wasn't a lot of contact with him. I lived with my mother and grandparents mostly, I only heard from my dad. He was always working. I never thought anything of it. I was just...too young, I suppose. The best days of my childhood were the days where I got a call from my dad, promising a day to spend with him. A fantastic, fun filled day of swimming at a friend's house, going out on the town, or just spending time on a drive. It seemed like even those days were filled with sadness. "I have a little bit of work to finish," a phrase that defined my childhood memories. I would sit in a stranger's house, watching my father work until the sun sank deeper than my heart behind the horizon. But on the occasion, he would keep his promise. I would spend time with him. Those few magical times. The times where I felt recognized. The times where I loved him.

And he loved me.

I moved away from California and began seeing my dad less. Contact would soon fade away. When I would visit, it felt like a new beginning. Things had changed. We would go out on the ATV and pick fresh wild raspberries through the open vineyards of California wine country. Instantly I would feel like a kid again. My dad and I. Together. Happy. I felt safe and secure, meeting fantastic new people that my dad associated himself with whom loved me so. I felt it was a new start.

Things changed.

I haven't seen my father since summer of 2010. I haven't heard from him in nearly a year. The father I once knew and looked up to with gleaming childhood ambition is now what seems to me a perfect stranger that is roaming amongst the Earth, oblivious to the existence of a living and breathing child whom he claims responsibility for.

It hurts.

It hurts me, knowing that I have grown up with no male role model in my life. It hurts me, feeling like I am not important to the very person who many argue is the greatest influence in your life. Perhaps, it hurts me most of all to understand that I am not alone. My own tale is one that is belittled and negligible to the hundreds of thousands of millions of children who have grown up without a father. Even worse, lived with a father who was always there, but only to physically and mentally abuse them into a spiraling torment of darkness. My heart truly extends to those who have experienced anything to the likes of myself or any other extreme. The sad truth is that this epidemic of fatherlessness is spreading unavoidably. Responsibility is at an all time low. Teenage pregnancies are skyrocketing and there is little consequence to the father who thinks it's acceptable to live anonymously. Well I have a message for you.

Be a Man.

How dare you. No, even further, and personally from the bottom of my heart. Fuck you. Fuck you. Your actions cause the absolute degrading of a human life, the bastardization of a child who only wants to know why the hell he can't have his dad come in for career day or where dad is and why he isn't here. Life instantly becomes a broken reality with a missing half that cripples you each and every single day, every minute, every second. Emotion is stricken into a retreat of worthlessness and pain of bearing the scar that you are without something that seems like everybody has but you. All because you thought this was a game. All a fucking game. Step up and do your part. Be there for your children. Cherish every bit of them and never let them out of your sight. They need this love. The attention and affection no one else gives. With that love and care, maybe they wouldn't end up with the burden of never feeling good enough for anyone or feeling lost when you just need someone to be there for you. And there's no one.

I wish you knew that, dad. More than anything.

Entity of Happiness

Quite an exciting week.

There's been a lot of leisure time last week for me to just sit down and think, and I'll be having even more down time this entire week. I really need it, that's for sure. With last week being the big 2,000 view celebration of sorts, I've been thinking a lot about the history of my blog as I mentioned at the very end of last blog. My pursuit to find the meaning of happiness. I've been contemplating all about that statement; what truly does make me happy? I've been up and I've been down, sometimes it's just impossible to really define my source of happiness. That really seems to be all I talk about anymore. Happy happy happy. But perhaps, this is because happiness is present in every aspect of our lives, and you just have to look for your source of happiness.

I don't have to look quite too far.

I've thought about it recently, how important people are to your happiness. The role that those you love play in the ability to be able to surround yourself with those who love you. Love is truly a curious emotion, as it is an entity all its own that possesses so many unpredictable characteristics. Love can hold a significant role in happiness - it makes or breaks a life. The power to love is a double edged sword, either the chances bring fruitful happiness into every aspect, or they pierce the untouched canvas and cripple the inner soul. It's a cliche that has been analyzed and retold and said many times, so I'll try not to beat around the bush as much as I already have. Regardless, I thought a lot about love after my last post and whether it is aiding to my overall happiness.

It is. Of course it is.

In fact, for the last 6 months, I can probably say that I haven't been happier. I've been fortunate enough to meet not only a girl who I may call my girlfriend, but a best friend that I feel like I've known for years. When I reflect to my current situation about a year ago now, I would have never imagined that a year later I would be in such a position as I am. I have nearly everything I could ask for. And I truly do feel happy. I know that I'm not the kind of person to post things like this, especially being so public with my relationship, but 6 months is truly something to commend. Even when I look back, if we are not together in another 6 months, or a year later, or any time. It makes me happy to think that I have had the experiences I had with someone that makes me truly and wholly, happy. That's a great feeling to have.

I love you, dear <3

A Couple Thousand Later

Wow, 2,000 views?

Seriously?

Well, as you all can see, it appears that Catch-22 has reached the double millennial mark. 2,000 and some change. All I can really say is, well, wow. When I embarked on this writing journey nearly a year and a half ago, I would have never imagined that others would take such great notice to what I only wanted to be a place where I could write my thoughts and findings. I mean, it's just what I love to do. The fact that others truly enjoy reading what I do, that's a really humbling feeling. It seems like just last week I was thanking my blog readers for getting me up to (what was at the time) a surprising 1,000 views. My blog just seemed to take off around then, I get about 50 views every blog now, and that's really something that I never anticipated. So, before I start sounding like I'm rambling (which I'm afraid I'm too late), allow me to get to the point.

Thank you. Yeah, you.

Without people like you, I wouldn't have felt a lot of the great feelings I do to this day. It makes me so happy when people come up to me and mention my blog, or say it was really inspiring to them and it was just what they needed, or even just saying that it's written well. Little things like that, it really means a lot. Lately, my blog has been going to places I never thought it would. I mean, I had no idea, but my blog was even briefly mentioned in the newspaper. Not only that, the author of that article even listed me under her favorite blogs on her own website. Being recognized by a journalist as such was one of the coolest things, and I didn't even know about it until a couple weeks ago. It makes me wonder how far this blog may actually go.

But I have to remember my roots.

It's just crazy to think how I started 2,000 views ago. Just posting findings of my life, things I found peculiar in order to reach my own enlightenment. Hell, that's what the caption under my blog name says. This blog still is my pursuit to find the meaning of life. I feel as if every day I become closer and closer to actually discovering this beautiful truth. Through help of supporters like yourself, by the tribulations I face that make me become stronger as a result, it's remarkable the things I have learned simply by sitting down on a Sunday evening and pondering "What have I learned this week?" All I know is that there is much more to come in my discovery. I'm closing in on my findings, and waiting for the one day where that enlightenment I long for so desperately is achieved.

Here's to another 2,000.

Humiliating Humility

What a beautiful, snowy night.

Nothing better than to curl up in bed with my space heater and some chamomile tea with my laptop and just blog for a bit. I never tend to care for such days like this, but I got to go outside for a bit to do some yard work and realized how much I truly do love the snow. It's just such a pure white when untouched and the way the power just collects upon itself over time...it's like magic, so to speak. Just a small thought that I'd share before delving into my topic tonight. Often times, I am not too self centered in my blogs. I normally recount my experiences of an event that happened during the week or observations that I beheld or something of the matter. I mean, it's an attribute that I've told of several times, something that is a defining part of who I am: being selfless. I do my part to never be too concerned about myself and rather look out for the well being of others, which many would call a very noble and kind thing to do for others. I would like to think otherwise.

My selflessness is killing me.

The selflessness that I give off is my biggest flaw in my own accord. It's great to care about others, fantastic even. But where it becomes so much is that I care too much about others. In fact, all my care and compassion goes into others. I desperately want to help people become the best that they can be, even when it is in small actions or overwhelmingly large amounts of generosity that I offer to people. I will gladly miss multiple homework assignments to stay up all night and talk to a friend in need. I will put off my own needs just for the sake of someone feeling better. Even if it's short term. I don't want anything to do with my own life, my own priorities.

I just don't care about myself.

So much to the point it hurts. It affects my life drastically. Lately, it seems like I try to help others too much. What I feel is giving everything I got isn't enough, and sometimes people are angry at me. It's hard to admit, but that's just one thing that cripples my soul and absolutely riddles me down to the core. Hatred. Of any form. Especially because all I want to do is help. It seems as if I have become blissfully aware of the recklessness that being selfless is causing in my decisions for my own life. The benefits to myself are non-existent. The scary thing is that I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm too humble, but I want to be too humble, because I feel nothing I do deserves credit, rather I just want to be able to uplift those in need. I become trapped in the hole of trying to feel good about something, anything that I do. But I become afraid that I will not be seen as humble and my ego will grow. It withers away in me to the point where I just break down some nights and just don't know how to feel about myself because it seems like nothing I do pays off. Not even my love of helping people.

And I humiliate myself through my humility.

Issues

I nearly forgot to blog today.

Perhaps I should have forgotten, because what I intend to ponder might be considered something that is controversial or something that touches a nerve in some people. Of course, again, I never intend to offend anybody here in my blog, I simply want to become closer to enlightenment, which requires some controversial questions be raised. I wonder about the issues that we all have. Some of the biting and condemning problems that we all as individuals have, in one way or another. It seems to be different in degree and in form. Most notably, I've been noticing a lot of uproar about mental illness sustained from our own experiences. It's always been tragic to see a lot of people go through the catacombs of mental illness, and I myself have fallen victim before. The thing is though, and this is what people may find offensive.

I just...don't get it.

Mental illness is compared to the likes of diseases such as cancer, heart attacks...isn't that a bit more of an exaggeration than anything? On the contrary, attention to mental illness is still an issue that should be dealt with appropriately and deserves proper respect. I find myself to be biased in favor of degrading mental illness...I've chronicled my hatred for some of the methods of treatment before. I am in strong opposition of medication in order to sway depression or any other feelings. A pill that makes you feel happy? That makes everything okay? It upsets me to see humanity feels that emotion, a human instinct that we are instilled with and are given as creatures of the Earth to feel, can be altered by a man-made drug. It doesn't make sense to me. It truly doesn't.

But hell, what do I know?

That seems to be the general argument for...well, anyone who has anything of theirs criticized. "How would you know? You've never had to experience it." That's the thing though. I have. Hell, I've gone through experiences that a young child my age should never have to experience. Surely, much more anxiety inducing and allowing more reason for a mental illness to develop. Is that to say that my pain is worse than anyone else's? I'm not here to compare that, that's just not the argument I'm attempting to make. Rather, I don't feel that those with this illness should merely succumb to the fact that it is present. It is curable, and this isn't done through any diagnosed drug or professional counseling or anything.

It's self enlightenment.

Being able to say that you love yourself. That you are able to look at every day with a proactive retrospect. Is that to say that you are an optimist? Certainly not. Optimism and self-appreciation are two different things in the sense that optimism is a positive approach to every single thing out there, whereas self-appreciation is being able to connect with yourself and finding out who you are. It seems like a lot of mental illness happens within my own age range, and that is probably due to the fact that the self-discovery process is still in full effect, when we feel we have established an identity long before we even have a clue. I don't mean to sound like a jerk or anything. I've lived through this, and I am a better person because of it. I don't see that often. I dunno.

I guess it's just me.

A Testament of Happiness

We're back, kids.

It's been a long while since I've been able to go about doing a blog, and I must say that I truly miss being able to relinquish thoughts onto this webpage. Goodness, has there been a lot going on. Only just recently though have I had something that I feel like I absolutely need to write about, because it's been a nagging issue to my conscience for a long while, something that I have been blogging about since the beginning, and what might be the entire reason I even started this blog in the first place: happiness. There has been a lack of it all around me, not only in myself, but primarily in others that has been affecting me. It involves the sort of happiness that, from my observations, is the most sought after yet what can be considered the most invaluable of all happiness: materialistic happiness.

Something lost from younger generations.

It seems that as the generations get younger, often times I catch myself in the act, that they don't seem to value much that isn't something that they can posses; something that they can have. It can be something entirely in the state of the moment: a new toy seen on TV, some junk food to eat when you're bored, something that will soon be forgotten and stored away. I see this a lot with my younger siblings, nothing seems to make them happy unless its new and benefits them in the short term, then it is forgotten and left unappreciated. I own several video games for many different consoles, yet I constantly hear the phrase "I'm bored of all these games." There is a refrigerator and cabinet full of food to make, yet they open the door and state "Let's go get some candy." The thing is, though, it's not just them.

It's a disease that plagues us all.

But the question I ask is this - where has all of the happiness gone? What will it take to make the younger generations and even the current generations happy? It's difficult to pinpoint what the source of happiness is for each individual, as that source is often different for every one person. I know of numerous individuals lost in the bind of sadness and depression and anxiety, unable to free themselves from the chains of despair and reach the ultimate goal of happiness for themselves. It's just the issue of obtaining the goal that stands in the way of many. Perhaps that is something we all should begin to realize as the generations ware on. Happiness comes in many forms, it's more than materials that we enjoy or feelings that we feel. Happiness comes from everywhere.

You just gotta look around.