Onward

This is going to be a very personal blog.

I'm finally 17. It really doesn't feel any different. Heck, I have slipped up and said I was 16 a couple times afterward. But since I've become older, I have certainly observed my current situation. Where I am going now, and where I will go onward into the future. I mentioned last week that I had one person in particular to thank for sculpting me into the young man I am today, and who will hopefully continue to mold me into an image of something that I can be proud of.

But then I realized something.

I can't just thank one person. I have to thank another. They're both family. And really, it's unfair to say that I can only thank 2 people in my family for impacting me so much. I want it to be known that every single one of my family members I love dearly, but I just feel the need to have to thank two people in particular. They've just...done so much for me. Sometimes I don't feel like I credit them enough for how much they've contributed, when really I am eternally in debt to them for being a part of my family. It's just something I feel compelled to do.

So, here goes.

Marcus, thank you so much for being my cousin. Like, really. Thank you. We don't really have too many heart to hearts or anything, but let this be the heart to heart if there ever needed to be an introduction to needing one. It's a shame to even call you a cousin. You're a brother to me. You've been with me for nearly 13 years of my life. Although age may separate us, I've always seen you as an equal. You've included me into everything you do, through good and through bad. Really, you've been a role model to me. We've been through many of the same difficulties, and it's been surreal to see us both transform as time goes on. You aren't the same Marcus you used to be, and perhaps that is for the better. You're off to college, you're learning how to drive, you're an adult. That one's really hard to swallow, because that means that I am next in  line. It's a scary thought, that our adolescence is over. We're becoming more and more responsible for the big wide world that was once our playground as kids. I never want to have to leave the protection of childhood. Especially not without you. I have asked you of so much lately, and you have been there to hold me up. I know you have a lot of the same issues, and I wish that you didn't have to experience them. Neither of us should. It's an awful fate. But I know that all of this has made us both stronger. It hurts so much not being able to see you all the time, and even the times I see you I perhaps take for granted. You will always and forever be there with me. At least, I hope. I don't know what I'd do without you.

Thanks.

Lastly, but surely not least, probably the most I ever owe to any human being on this planet. Perhaps, they morph themselves into one collective being. At least that's what it seems like. Both have done just as much for me as anyone else has. My grandparents, particularly my grandmother, should truly be credited to turning me into what I would hope would be a respectable young man. Everything I do I try to do with the best intentions of both of you. It's a gift and a curse to try and do that. I let myself down a lot, and I feel like I do the same when I fall short of a goal. I'm sorry if I've ever disappointed you or taken advantage of you or haven't been good enough for you guys. Ever. You guys have taken me in as if I were your own child, and I'm still feeling the repercussions of that. The shockwave effect that you both have played in my life has gone for miles and miles, and will eternally continue. Grandma, especially, thank you for supporting all I do. Thanks for accepting me as a band geek, thanks for accepting me as an outsider in terms of my religious beliefs, thanks for accepting me in every blog that I have ever posted, thanks for accepting me for being what I want to be most: myself. I don't get that from a lot of people. No one else, really. Just you guys. You both provide for me a love which I can always feel in my darkest times and in my brightest. It hurts to think that someday I will not have you guys there by my side. Not being able to see where I may go in life. Perhaps not there to see great grandchildren that I will do my best to model with the love and compassion you have given to me. Just know that for as long as I am alive, I will do my best to attempt to give back to you what you have given to me. Perhaps that will take me my entire life. We'll see.

I just really can't thank you guys enough. Really. I love you both, and a blog post just isn't enough to tell you that. Thank you both for being in my life.