What a beautiful, snowy night.
Nothing better than to curl up in bed with my space heater and some chamomile tea with my laptop and just blog for a bit. I never tend to care for such days like this, but I got to go outside for a bit to do some yard work and realized how much I truly do love the snow. It's just such a pure white when untouched and the way the power just collects upon itself over time...it's like magic, so to speak. Just a small thought that I'd share before delving into my topic tonight. Often times, I am not too self centered in my blogs. I normally recount my experiences of an event that happened during the week or observations that I beheld or something of the matter. I mean, it's an attribute that I've told of several times, something that is a defining part of who I am: being selfless. I do my part to never be too concerned about myself and rather look out for the well being of others, which many would call a very noble and kind thing to do for others. I would like to think otherwise.
My selflessness is killing me.
The selflessness that I give off is my biggest flaw in my own accord. It's great to care about others, fantastic even. But where it becomes so much is that I care too much about others. In fact, all my care and compassion goes into others. I desperately want to help people become the best that they can be, even when it is in small actions or overwhelmingly large amounts of generosity that I offer to people. I will gladly miss multiple homework assignments to stay up all night and talk to a friend in need. I will put off my own needs just for the sake of someone feeling better. Even if it's short term. I don't want anything to do with my own life, my own priorities.
I just don't care about myself.
So much to the point it hurts. It affects my life drastically. Lately, it seems like I try to help others too much. What I feel is giving everything I got isn't enough, and sometimes people are angry at me. It's hard to admit, but that's just one thing that cripples my soul and absolutely riddles me down to the core. Hatred. Of any form. Especially because all I want to do is help. It seems as if I have become blissfully aware of the recklessness that being selfless is causing in my decisions for my own life. The benefits to myself are non-existent. The scary thing is that I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm too humble, but I want to be too humble, because I feel nothing I do deserves credit, rather I just want to be able to uplift those in need. I become trapped in the hole of trying to feel good about something, anything that I do. But I become afraid that I will not be seen as humble and my ego will grow. It withers away in me to the point where I just break down some nights and just don't know how to feel about myself because it seems like nothing I do pays off. Not even my love of helping people.
And I humiliate myself through my humility.
Quite the humblebrag there, Joe. Literally. You're bragging about your humility.
ReplyDeleteIt is a universal trait to expect the same treatment that you express towards others. This is one that I hold dearly, as I see no reason for it to bear false meaning. I do not expect anything out of selflessness than so much as the simple recognition of a kind and selfless act, which often goes unnoticed in such a fast-paced society. Often, I express such great selfishness that I expect almost the same sincere devotion, which in such a case does show false modesty. This is exactly what I am attempting to outgrow, though. If I wanted to brag about my humility, I would expect the world out of everyone and become self-centered, whereas this isn't the case. What this blog was intended to present was that being too selfless is an issue, recognizing it as a flaw. In no manner was I expressing myself as humble in order to portray a bragging persona.
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