Shameless

Phew. This is gonna be tough.

There's been some stuff that's been...bothering me. Clouding my thought, stuff that I have repressed for a long time. I know there's some people who read my blogs who care very much about me, and still don't know some of this stuff. So I'm just gonna come out and say it. I've realized, I am who I am. And everyone should know that.

I'm an atheist. That's a shocker to some. Others might laugh because it's just so obvious. Yeah. I don't believe in any deities. But you know what? Call me sacrilegious all you want, call me a sinner, call me anything. But I hold my own beliefs. Enlightenment in oneself, how we come to our own reason, whether it be through guidance such as a religion or an influence, or completely on your own through process of thought or other means. There's been a lot of religious interpretation all week for me, and it's felt wrong to hide my stances to some people and freely express to others. So I hope that people don't judge me on that. It's just what I stand for. My beliefs deserve just as much as respect as yours.

I'm weak emotionally. Yeah, really. It bothers me when people see me as so strong, as someone to look up to, as someone that is this amazing person inside and out. I'm really, really not. I've had people tell me that I need more self-esteem, more confidence in myself, and that's so hard when I have such a high standard to live up to that everyone else is giving. Sometimes, within strength, there needs to be weakness. I mean, hell, people see me as the smartest kid they know, whereas it's embarrassing that I'm actually failing classes. A lot of pressure is on me. So just know that sometimes, I'm just as normal as everyone else.

I'm extremely sensitive. Not something that's entirely easy to admit. Most guys are as solid as a rock and won't release any emotions. But see, I'm so emotional, I feel the need to repress a lot of it. I really care for everyone that I meet. The stone cold, bad ass guy that everyone knows isn't all like that. I mean, I know some people see this in me all the time, but really my compassion for all beings is so cultivating. One attitude can spread, and I want more people to feel the way that I do about everyone. Just know that about me.

I don't want to be ashamed about any of this. This is who I am. If it betters me as a person to let this go, to improve from this, then so be it. Honestly, I'm sort of in a dark place. I'm really trying to free myself from that. I think that starts with relinquishing all that I've been worried about.

Express yourself. Peace, love, happiness.