Lost and Found

My God, it's been a long time. If you can say that a terrible event and a wonderful event cancel out each other, then it would seem that nothing has happened between now and my last blog.

Things are different in an ever-changing world. The world keeps on moving, and we're forced to move with it. But I've been moving, whether I like it or not. I've had another revelation lately, something that helps keep me happy. Something I've been trying to find for a long time. It makes me laugh to think that only a few months ago I thought that love, intimacy that is, is what keeps happiness. But I've learned that whereas love is nice, it doesn't create happiness. Simply chasing after something that is always just an inch out of your reach. I've realized over this time that it's just not worth it. In the words of John Mayer, when you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. You roll out of bed, and down on your knees, and for a moment you can hardly breathe.

Haha, I've experienced that recently. I think I just need a break from that for a while.

I've been blinded by a lot of outside forces lately. I haven't been the same. That really disappoints me. I've become lost, not in everything else, but myself. A turning point for me to test my inner strength. Unfortunately, some days it's just been hard to wake up and face the day just because of how much sheer disappointment I've felt for the things I've done. I don't really know what has caused me to collapse under the pressure of what life has to give to me, but the fact of the matter is I think it's safe to say I've failed life's test.

However, for all things lost, something is newly found.

What have I found out of darkness? Not much. There's still a subtle hurt that I feel day to day. Something missing. But I've restored something that I've lacked for a while. Confidence. Not only in myself, but in all things good. Things that make me feel...warmth. Serenity. Finding solitude in everyday situations. I've had so much help from brilliant friends, the satisfaction of learning something new, things that seem to be overlooked. I'm not sure how to express what I feel lately. It's bittersweet, but less bitter than sweet, y'know?

I no longer have to be ashamed of what I lost, because what I've found is even greater.