Shameless

Phew. This is gonna be tough.

There's been some stuff that's been...bothering me. Clouding my thought, stuff that I have repressed for a long time. I know there's some people who read my blogs who care very much about me, and still don't know some of this stuff. So I'm just gonna come out and say it. I've realized, I am who I am. And everyone should know that.

I'm an atheist. That's a shocker to some. Others might laugh because it's just so obvious. Yeah. I don't believe in any deities. But you know what? Call me sacrilegious all you want, call me a sinner, call me anything. But I hold my own beliefs. Enlightenment in oneself, how we come to our own reason, whether it be through guidance such as a religion or an influence, or completely on your own through process of thought or other means. There's been a lot of religious interpretation all week for me, and it's felt wrong to hide my stances to some people and freely express to others. So I hope that people don't judge me on that. It's just what I stand for. My beliefs deserve just as much as respect as yours.

I'm weak emotionally. Yeah, really. It bothers me when people see me as so strong, as someone to look up to, as someone that is this amazing person inside and out. I'm really, really not. I've had people tell me that I need more self-esteem, more confidence in myself, and that's so hard when I have such a high standard to live up to that everyone else is giving. Sometimes, within strength, there needs to be weakness. I mean, hell, people see me as the smartest kid they know, whereas it's embarrassing that I'm actually failing classes. A lot of pressure is on me. So just know that sometimes, I'm just as normal as everyone else.

I'm extremely sensitive. Not something that's entirely easy to admit. Most guys are as solid as a rock and won't release any emotions. But see, I'm so emotional, I feel the need to repress a lot of it. I really care for everyone that I meet. The stone cold, bad ass guy that everyone knows isn't all like that. I mean, I know some people see this in me all the time, but really my compassion for all beings is so cultivating. One attitude can spread, and I want more people to feel the way that I do about everyone. Just know that about me.

I don't want to be ashamed about any of this. This is who I am. If it betters me as a person to let this go, to improve from this, then so be it. Honestly, I'm sort of in a dark place. I'm really trying to free myself from that. I think that starts with relinquishing all that I've been worried about.

Express yourself. Peace, love, happiness.

Lost and Found

My God, it's been a long time. If you can say that a terrible event and a wonderful event cancel out each other, then it would seem that nothing has happened between now and my last blog.

Things are different in an ever-changing world. The world keeps on moving, and we're forced to move with it. But I've been moving, whether I like it or not. I've had another revelation lately, something that helps keep me happy. Something I've been trying to find for a long time. It makes me laugh to think that only a few months ago I thought that love, intimacy that is, is what keeps happiness. But I've learned that whereas love is nice, it doesn't create happiness. Simply chasing after something that is always just an inch out of your reach. I've realized over this time that it's just not worth it. In the words of John Mayer, when you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. You roll out of bed, and down on your knees, and for a moment you can hardly breathe.

Haha, I've experienced that recently. I think I just need a break from that for a while.

I've been blinded by a lot of outside forces lately. I haven't been the same. That really disappoints me. I've become lost, not in everything else, but myself. A turning point for me to test my inner strength. Unfortunately, some days it's just been hard to wake up and face the day just because of how much sheer disappointment I've felt for the things I've done. I don't really know what has caused me to collapse under the pressure of what life has to give to me, but the fact of the matter is I think it's safe to say I've failed life's test.

However, for all things lost, something is newly found.

What have I found out of darkness? Not much. There's still a subtle hurt that I feel day to day. Something missing. But I've restored something that I've lacked for a while. Confidence. Not only in myself, but in all things good. Things that make me feel...warmth. Serenity. Finding solitude in everyday situations. I've had so much help from brilliant friends, the satisfaction of learning something new, things that seem to be overlooked. I'm not sure how to express what I feel lately. It's bittersweet, but less bitter than sweet, y'know?

I no longer have to be ashamed of what I lost, because what I've found is even greater.