Arsenal of Words

We're back.

It's a bittersweet experience to be looking through some of the entries that were made nearly nearly 7 months ago. Comparing the troubles of then to those of now and assessing each situation on what has changed and what has not. Something that seems so distant of a memory has only elapsed so far as not even a year's time has progressed since. The relativity of time is always so mysterious. Events of the present seem to fly without a moment's notice, whereas all of the lost seconds appear to pile up into a mess of the past. It hurts to have a visual representation of the time that has been spent, some of it to sit and never be used for any good. While I wish I could come back to my blog and mention of all of the wonderful events that have occurred, such as the dump of wasted seconds, those events have come and gone in the blink of an eye. With an entire week to harness all of the negative energy and do my best to expel of it, I am still left with an unimaginably overwhelming burden of issues that need attention. To think of where my life was after my last post here, and to compare it to now, it seems as if a year ago from now, life was headed for the best direction it possibly could have.

Remorsefully, that's done a complete 180.

The hardest issue for me lately has been overcoming the loss of someone that has held such a special place in my heart for the longest time. An open gash that seemingly will not scab over, as the matter continues to be picked, and picked, and picked. Infectious, one might say, as the matter has eaten away at my own morals, causing a great bit of dissonance in my decision making. One's morals are the essence of their own being, who they choose to be and who they ultimately decide to portray themselves as to the general public. Over the course of this last week, I have had my morals tested. An ultimatum of sorts, where either choice leaves me breaking one of my morals to justify the other. It is today that I question this very situation: what is there to do when the few ideals you hold sacred are pitched against each other, only one to emerge the victor? Hurt will result in either decision, so it stands that neither choice is favorable.

Wouldn't you know it. A Catch-22.

When it comes down to it, I cannot take the exit to a highway of regret to the choice I have decided to make regarding where my life will be headed in the coming future. But it surely doesn't mean that I can't feel the pain behind the gravity of the situation. Consequently because of my decision, I have been labeled as a monster. A waste of time. An unwanted memory. Removed from what I was once known as...just a genuine person. These words have festered deep into my conscious, causing me to question who I really am and who I am becoming. Normally, words should not have such a grave effect on one's being, but when those who you once knew and trusted have now turned against you in the battle, these words are an arsenal sent to destroy the well-being of our sanity.

And successfully they have done so.

Am I here to say that I have given up, though? Absolutely not. By the nature of how life functions, I am forced to move on. Times have proven tough, at times nearly impossible to deal with. It pains me to think about the trials to come in recovering from such a forceful attack, but to abandon one's morals completely after a challenge is not the option to follow through upon. Life will continue to progress, and it stands to reason that it wouldn't be sensible to wait until things get better. No. You are the controller of your own destiny. And to make such a rash decision would be to throw in the towel. Raise the white flag. And that's not the person I am. Pain will always exist in one's life, and it may be a pain I have to endure for many more months, maybe even longer. But I will not sit here and say I have been defeated by the destruction of the mightiest weapon there is: words.

So here I go.