What was the last decision you made?
Perhaps it was what song to listen to. Maybe it was what to respond to your mother when she asked you of a favor. Monotonous choices made every day; what we decide to wear, what we're going to do for the day, how we're going to act. These selections are what come together to culminate how our day goes as a whole. Much of this goes completely unnoticed by us as well. Choices are made every single day, every hour, every second. These are all of the decisions that come and go without a second though. What muscles to move, when to take a breath, what to look at with our eyes. It's these disregarded happenings that are simply instinctual to our nature, things that we must do in order to function. Not a lot of thought goes into these movements, in fact they're more or less automatic. Nothing that could really have a great impact on our lives in the future.
Right?
It's captivating to sit down and just think about every decision we make and subsequently how we choose to respond. It's a very simple process, two or more options are presented, and ultimately one must be chosen. A great majority of the options are even more simplistic: to do or not to do. Yes or no. Basic two sided questions with the most innocent of intentions. It's practically a flip of the coin in some scenarios; we may not even care what outcome is the result of our choices. Some decisions are that meaningless. But who knows when a decision that seems like a regular choice for us could end up holding the most dire of significance later on? How are we to know when questions can hold infinite, radical differences based on bland answers?
Well, that's the thing. We don't really know.
Of course, in hindsight, we view our past choices with this knowledge of significance. We can dissect many different decisions and how they inevitably led to a bigger decision further down the road. Often we regret the original choice that was made. If only we made the opposite choice. If we would have known the repercussions of one choice versus another...things would have been different. Maybe it was something we said. Something we did. A missed opportunity that gave everything a turn for the worst. It's a struggle to imagine the flipside of any event, how it has affected us and how much we wish we could just take it all back. Start over again. Make all of the right choices so that everything we've lost can be reclaimed. Just then, maybe things wouldn't be so bad...
But that's no way to go living life.
The overlooming fact of the matter is that in our lives, we are responsible for the choices that form our lives. Our choices define who we become.There are some things that everybody wishes they could redo. Turn back time so that we can punctuate ourselves in the manner that we see fit. Regret is a terrible emotion, because it dwells on the past and what we could have done instead of focusing on the future and what is yet to come. The decisions that will soon come that may seem so astronomically unimportant at one moment, and then the most important choice we've ever made in our lives at the next. The chance to truly make up the person we want to be so we are not trapped wondering about the flipside.
But sometimes...you just can't help but think.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Sunday, April 06, 2014
Arsenal of Words
We're back.
It's a bittersweet experience to be looking through some of the entries that were made nearly nearly 7 months ago. Comparing the troubles of then to those of now and assessing each situation on what has changed and what has not. Something that seems so distant of a memory has only elapsed so far as not even a year's time has progressed since. The relativity of time is always so mysterious. Events of the present seem to fly without a moment's notice, whereas all of the lost seconds appear to pile up into a mess of the past. It hurts to have a visual representation of the time that has been spent, some of it to sit and never be used for any good. While I wish I could come back to my blog and mention of all of the wonderful events that have occurred, such as the dump of wasted seconds, those events have come and gone in the blink of an eye. With an entire week to harness all of the negative energy and do my best to expel of it, I am still left with an unimaginably overwhelming burden of issues that need attention. To think of where my life was after my last post here, and to compare it to now, it seems as if a year ago from now, life was headed for the best direction it possibly could have.
Remorsefully, that's done a complete 180.
The hardest issue for me lately has been overcoming the loss of someone that has held such a special place in my heart for the longest time. An open gash that seemingly will not scab over, as the matter continues to be picked, and picked, and picked. Infectious, one might say, as the matter has eaten away at my own morals, causing a great bit of dissonance in my decision making. One's morals are the essence of their own being, who they choose to be and who they ultimately decide to portray themselves as to the general public. Over the course of this last week, I have had my morals tested. An ultimatum of sorts, where either choice leaves me breaking one of my morals to justify the other. It is today that I question this very situation: what is there to do when the few ideals you hold sacred are pitched against each other, only one to emerge the victor? Hurt will result in either decision, so it stands that neither choice is favorable.
Wouldn't you know it. A Catch-22.
When it comes down to it, I cannot take the exit to a highway of regret to the choice I have decided to make regarding where my life will be headed in the coming future. But it surely doesn't mean that I can't feel the pain behind the gravity of the situation. Consequently because of my decision, I have been labeled as a monster. A waste of time. An unwanted memory. Removed from what I was once known as...just a genuine person. These words have festered deep into my conscious, causing me to question who I really am and who I am becoming. Normally, words should not have such a grave effect on one's being, but when those who you once knew and trusted have now turned against you in the battle, these words are an arsenal sent to destroy the well-being of our sanity.
And successfully they have done so.
Am I here to say that I have given up, though? Absolutely not. By the nature of how life functions, I am forced to move on. Times have proven tough, at times nearly impossible to deal with. It pains me to think about the trials to come in recovering from such a forceful attack, but to abandon one's morals completely after a challenge is not the option to follow through upon. Life will continue to progress, and it stands to reason that it wouldn't be sensible to wait until things get better. No. You are the controller of your own destiny. And to make such a rash decision would be to throw in the towel. Raise the white flag. And that's not the person I am. Pain will always exist in one's life, and it may be a pain I have to endure for many more months, maybe even longer. But I will not sit here and say I have been defeated by the destruction of the mightiest weapon there is: words.
So here I go.
It's a bittersweet experience to be looking through some of the entries that were made nearly nearly 7 months ago. Comparing the troubles of then to those of now and assessing each situation on what has changed and what has not. Something that seems so distant of a memory has only elapsed so far as not even a year's time has progressed since. The relativity of time is always so mysterious. Events of the present seem to fly without a moment's notice, whereas all of the lost seconds appear to pile up into a mess of the past. It hurts to have a visual representation of the time that has been spent, some of it to sit and never be used for any good. While I wish I could come back to my blog and mention of all of the wonderful events that have occurred, such as the dump of wasted seconds, those events have come and gone in the blink of an eye. With an entire week to harness all of the negative energy and do my best to expel of it, I am still left with an unimaginably overwhelming burden of issues that need attention. To think of where my life was after my last post here, and to compare it to now, it seems as if a year ago from now, life was headed for the best direction it possibly could have.
Remorsefully, that's done a complete 180.
The hardest issue for me lately has been overcoming the loss of someone that has held such a special place in my heart for the longest time. An open gash that seemingly will not scab over, as the matter continues to be picked, and picked, and picked. Infectious, one might say, as the matter has eaten away at my own morals, causing a great bit of dissonance in my decision making. One's morals are the essence of their own being, who they choose to be and who they ultimately decide to portray themselves as to the general public. Over the course of this last week, I have had my morals tested. An ultimatum of sorts, where either choice leaves me breaking one of my morals to justify the other. It is today that I question this very situation: what is there to do when the few ideals you hold sacred are pitched against each other, only one to emerge the victor? Hurt will result in either decision, so it stands that neither choice is favorable.
Wouldn't you know it. A Catch-22.
When it comes down to it, I cannot take the exit to a highway of regret to the choice I have decided to make regarding where my life will be headed in the coming future. But it surely doesn't mean that I can't feel the pain behind the gravity of the situation. Consequently because of my decision, I have been labeled as a monster. A waste of time. An unwanted memory. Removed from what I was once known as...just a genuine person. These words have festered deep into my conscious, causing me to question who I really am and who I am becoming. Normally, words should not have such a grave effect on one's being, but when those who you once knew and trusted have now turned against you in the battle, these words are an arsenal sent to destroy the well-being of our sanity.
And successfully they have done so.
Am I here to say that I have given up, though? Absolutely not. By the nature of how life functions, I am forced to move on. Times have proven tough, at times nearly impossible to deal with. It pains me to think about the trials to come in recovering from such a forceful attack, but to abandon one's morals completely after a challenge is not the option to follow through upon. Life will continue to progress, and it stands to reason that it wouldn't be sensible to wait until things get better. No. You are the controller of your own destiny. And to make such a rash decision would be to throw in the towel. Raise the white flag. And that's not the person I am. Pain will always exist in one's life, and it may be a pain I have to endure for many more months, maybe even longer. But I will not sit here and say I have been defeated by the destruction of the mightiest weapon there is: words.
So here I go.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)