There's been so much controversy these last couple weeks.
Instances of police brutality involving race issues have been brought forth into the public light, arguably stronger than ever. The cases of both Michael Brown and more recently Eric Gardner are tragic indeed; no one ever deserves to have their life taken from them before their time. Much of the outcry from these cases extends not just from the excessive force used, but primarily (as far as from what I have seen) from the issue of their skin color. Black. Several protests have set to emphasize the fact that as African Americans, their lives matter just as much as anyone else's. Black lives matter. Except there's one little looming factor that invalidates all of the riots, the violence, the emotions of the situation.
This has never been about race.
Never. Not once. This is strictly and purely an issue of police brutality. By centering around race, it belittles the cases and even the victims as a whole as simply black versus white. Not just on personhood or citizenship. Only racial tension. Look, I'm sure you've seen the statistics popping up everywhere by now about white cops killing black citizens, vice versa, yada yada yada. There's no need for me to draw attention to that. But what these arguments have derived is that every killing from white cop to black citizen is entirely racially driven. Let us not forget, Michael Brown committed a crime, as well as allegedly struggled with Darren Wilson to obtain his weapon. Whereas there is no video evidence of this, any sane person can rationalize that in an act of defense for your life, mind you, you need to do what your were trained to do. Was his intent to kill? That's something we're never going to know. But there is one thing I do know:
Rioting and protesting is not going to resolve the issue.
Over these last two weeks I have seen video from several cities that aimed to protest peacefully these issues. And guess what? Peace wasn't fucking there. Instead, because of the death of a young man, people feel compelled to vandalize and steal and retaliate to the cops who have so wronged us for our entire lives. Fucking disgusting. It's repulsive. What the fuck has humanity come to when we rationalize that one isolated incident deserves violence to those uninvolved? Just a couple days ago protests in Denver resulted in four police being hit by a car. Unacceptable. Humanity is better than this. We're acting like animals. The blame has been spread completely on to the police forces of America who simply are just trying to do their fucking job. Sure there are the extremists on both sides of the coin, but retaliation is not the answer. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. What are we missing in this entire situation?
Responsibility.
Have any of these protesters - maybe yourself, even - taken into consideration that maybe, just maybe, that not every cop condones these actions? Lethal force is a very, very sticky issue, and yes, you should be upset about the misappropriation of such force! But what is rioting and shaming cops going to do for the situation? Do something! Call your congressman or woman, write in to the police force for a request for body cams or dash cams! Don't sit on your computer and be the fool on a soapbox preaching what is right and what is wrong. It's not fucking helping anything. How about instead of instilling a feeling of hate, racism, destruction, send a message of peace and of understanding. Realize that not everyone is a bad person. There are so many more good things that happen that are clouded by incidents like this. Don't be a bystander to this situation.
Do something.
Friday, December 05, 2014
Sunday, October 05, 2014
Left Behind
Time is going by really fast.
I checked my calendar this morning and realized I've neglected to change it from September to October. It's already October, guys. We're nearly a week in. 2014 is now over 75% over with. It feels like the fragments of memories that are now considered quite distant were only just out of reach in time. As we all tend to do towards the end of every year, I've been nostalgically reflecting upon what the contents of this year have had in store for me thus far. It's a truly gratifying experience. I've been able to revisit some of the more precious memories that were created in the seemingly short time span which really lift my spirits in knowing that those very memories will only age like fine wine and become more and more fond as these times become some of the best I will ever reminisce. Spending time with the people that helped sculpt those permanent impressions is always a fantastic and very entertaining way to help spark some of those hidden and forgotten memories of a bygone time. Having done this quite often, it's shocking to me how many past events that I once thought I'd never forget have now nearly been completely wiped from my conscious. That phenomenon really got me to question the apparent fate of many of these precious memories:
Where do those missing memories go?
What causes us to seemingly lose those memories in the collective fog of every single event, from the most basic and elementary concept of taking a breath that happen every second to the unforgettable moments that are so rare but yet so rich in our minds? The human brain makes an overwhelming amount of computations and thoughts and actions nearly constantly, and for some reason only the ones that hold some sort of significance to us are the ones that are stored into our conscious and memory. We can recall some of these events with such vivid accuracy for so long, sometimes we can even step right back into that very moment like it were a reenactment. What is even more surprising is that some of what we would consider the strongest of our memories or the most vivid are barely remembered at all. Perhaps it was the excitement we felt at the time, the emotion that clouded our conscious mind at the time. That sort of stuff. More often than not, these memories are shared between a group of individuals, rather than explicitly to oneself, which creates an even stronger reinforcement of our most cherished memories. Normally this is considered a positive and beneficial feeling. Unless that memory wants to be forgotten.
What happens when your most cherished memories because your most crippling?
What happens when our own minds indulge into inter-psychological warfare? Memories will come and go in our lives. Just as well, people will come and go in our lives. This list includes but is not limited to friends, family, coworkers, classmates, acquaintances, hell, even perfect strangers. Statistically, we are bound to know different people and replace others in our sphere of interaction, making room for new memories. But still yet, those memories are never quite replaced. A memory is very much like a lasered image that is burned into the metal slate that is our mind, and takes a lot of repair to completely remove. What I've lately been experiencing is quite the predicament, as it's something very common that we've all experienced before. The memories I once shared with people who were close to my heart and which mean so much to me have either passed me by and have not offered me the second glance or even no longer wants to remember my memory.
But those memories are still there.
Is it possible that a memory that is simply seen as not worthy of attention or even condemned of attention could mean the most to somebody else? As goes the old saying, one person's trash is another's treasure. Are we no longer of existence in one's conscious but still presently alive and well in another's? Perhaps this is a call for what we ultimately feel is of significance to us. We will progress as individuals, many and nearly all will be absolutely nothing like we are now in the distant future. 10 months have passed already and it's stunning when I think about where I thought I'd be compared to the outcome. We may be forgotten and left behind by those who mean the most to us, but that does not mean that we, ourselves, can leave behind and forget who we are. We control the memories that will be imprinted into our minds, and we decide which of those will be memorable or regretful. We are the deciders of our own fate.
The choice is yours.
I checked my calendar this morning and realized I've neglected to change it from September to October. It's already October, guys. We're nearly a week in. 2014 is now over 75% over with. It feels like the fragments of memories that are now considered quite distant were only just out of reach in time. As we all tend to do towards the end of every year, I've been nostalgically reflecting upon what the contents of this year have had in store for me thus far. It's a truly gratifying experience. I've been able to revisit some of the more precious memories that were created in the seemingly short time span which really lift my spirits in knowing that those very memories will only age like fine wine and become more and more fond as these times become some of the best I will ever reminisce. Spending time with the people that helped sculpt those permanent impressions is always a fantastic and very entertaining way to help spark some of those hidden and forgotten memories of a bygone time. Having done this quite often, it's shocking to me how many past events that I once thought I'd never forget have now nearly been completely wiped from my conscious. That phenomenon really got me to question the apparent fate of many of these precious memories:
Where do those missing memories go?
What causes us to seemingly lose those memories in the collective fog of every single event, from the most basic and elementary concept of taking a breath that happen every second to the unforgettable moments that are so rare but yet so rich in our minds? The human brain makes an overwhelming amount of computations and thoughts and actions nearly constantly, and for some reason only the ones that hold some sort of significance to us are the ones that are stored into our conscious and memory. We can recall some of these events with such vivid accuracy for so long, sometimes we can even step right back into that very moment like it were a reenactment. What is even more surprising is that some of what we would consider the strongest of our memories or the most vivid are barely remembered at all. Perhaps it was the excitement we felt at the time, the emotion that clouded our conscious mind at the time. That sort of stuff. More often than not, these memories are shared between a group of individuals, rather than explicitly to oneself, which creates an even stronger reinforcement of our most cherished memories. Normally this is considered a positive and beneficial feeling. Unless that memory wants to be forgotten.
What happens when your most cherished memories because your most crippling?
What happens when our own minds indulge into inter-psychological warfare? Memories will come and go in our lives. Just as well, people will come and go in our lives. This list includes but is not limited to friends, family, coworkers, classmates, acquaintances, hell, even perfect strangers. Statistically, we are bound to know different people and replace others in our sphere of interaction, making room for new memories. But still yet, those memories are never quite replaced. A memory is very much like a lasered image that is burned into the metal slate that is our mind, and takes a lot of repair to completely remove. What I've lately been experiencing is quite the predicament, as it's something very common that we've all experienced before. The memories I once shared with people who were close to my heart and which mean so much to me have either passed me by and have not offered me the second glance or even no longer wants to remember my memory.
But those memories are still there.
Is it possible that a memory that is simply seen as not worthy of attention or even condemned of attention could mean the most to somebody else? As goes the old saying, one person's trash is another's treasure. Are we no longer of existence in one's conscious but still presently alive and well in another's? Perhaps this is a call for what we ultimately feel is of significance to us. We will progress as individuals, many and nearly all will be absolutely nothing like we are now in the distant future. 10 months have passed already and it's stunning when I think about where I thought I'd be compared to the outcome. We may be forgotten and left behind by those who mean the most to us, but that does not mean that we, ourselves, can leave behind and forget who we are. We control the memories that will be imprinted into our minds, and we decide which of those will be memorable or regretful. We are the deciders of our own fate.
The choice is yours.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Obsolete
Robin Williams committed suicide yesterday.
What an awful, ugly, disgusting statement. Not for the reasons you may think, either. It feels like in today's society, the act of suicide is such a taboo subject. It's an act unspeakable that rattles us to the core with feelings of anger, sadness, and regret for some. No one is willing to talk about what makes suicide such a disgraceful subject. Which, I find ironic, due to what I feel makes suicide so terrible:
We are the ones making it disgraceful.
Let's refer back to the initial statement. Robin Williams committed suicide yesterday. The terminology that we have been using to refer to suicide in itself makes it seem as the deceased is criminalized. Robin Williams did not die from suicide or was a victim of suicide. He committed it. Even the word commit from the dictionary states committing is the act of carrying out or perpetrating a mistake, crime, or immoral act. Suicide causes us to see less about the celebration of one's past life and focuses around the death of the individual. Not very often do we hear of the accomplishments or the positive aspects of a suicide victim's life. It's always how they died, how awful it is that they could commit such a selfish act, as if there was no issue to begin with. Let me make one thing clear:
There is always a reason behind taking your own life.
I am in no way here to advocate for suicide. Suicide is the most tragic of ways to lose your life. This is why it is such a tragedy to hear of Robin William's death. It limits what was left in the life of one of the most inspiring and incredible figures to have been born. So much joy and love and happiness spread throughout one lifetime. How could such a positive person take their lives and essentially give up? Well...that's what else bothers me about suicide as viewed by the public. Whether we acknowledge it or not, generally the public sees victims of suicide as a lost cause, severely mentally ill, depressed, even diseased. We wonder after the fact how someone could have ever felt like this and not have sought help. Yet, when we hear of those who claim they're depressed or having difficulty in their life, we scoff at these people. We tell them to get over themselves or cop out and say things will get better.
What hypocrisy.
What an obsolete and outdated way of viewing people with depression based on their characteristics. The fact of the matter is it doesn't matter how happy or cheerful or joyous any one victim of suicide is. What this all boils down to is that these people simply needed help. Needed someone, something, to keep them positive. When you are in such unimaginable pain for an extended time to the point where you must contemplate whether your existence is worth continuing or not, you're not necessarily thinking about all of the incredible things in your life. I'm in no way cleared to speculate why exactly Robin took his life. Is it shocking? Yes. Is it terrible news? Yes. Is it wrong?
Well, not quite.
Robin devoted his entire life to doing what he loved. Spreading laughter and happiness and being a source of inspiration for the masses. In the meantime, he was going through a severe stint of depression. Ultimately, that wound us up to where we are right now. There aren't any words that can be said to express the difficulty that he experienced, and consequently the difficulty we all must experience to mourn his and his family's loss, but also celebrate the person he was. Although circumstances did not play out in the greatest manner, this entire situation has taught us all something:
Care for everyone.
We won't know when our last day on Earth will be. We won't know when anyone's last day on Earth will be, really. Fate works in such strange ways that transform the impossible into the realm of possibility. What we all should be doing is celebrating that each and every day, we are one day further into this gift of life that has been so generously donated to us for us to experience. Situations like this remind us of the fragility of life, that not every day is guaranteed. But it is always up to you, to decide your fate. Why not choose life?
"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world."
We'll miss you Robin.
What an awful, ugly, disgusting statement. Not for the reasons you may think, either. It feels like in today's society, the act of suicide is such a taboo subject. It's an act unspeakable that rattles us to the core with feelings of anger, sadness, and regret for some. No one is willing to talk about what makes suicide such a disgraceful subject. Which, I find ironic, due to what I feel makes suicide so terrible:
We are the ones making it disgraceful.
Let's refer back to the initial statement. Robin Williams committed suicide yesterday. The terminology that we have been using to refer to suicide in itself makes it seem as the deceased is criminalized. Robin Williams did not die from suicide or was a victim of suicide. He committed it. Even the word commit from the dictionary states committing is the act of carrying out or perpetrating a mistake, crime, or immoral act. Suicide causes us to see less about the celebration of one's past life and focuses around the death of the individual. Not very often do we hear of the accomplishments or the positive aspects of a suicide victim's life. It's always how they died, how awful it is that they could commit such a selfish act, as if there was no issue to begin with. Let me make one thing clear:
There is always a reason behind taking your own life.
I am in no way here to advocate for suicide. Suicide is the most tragic of ways to lose your life. This is why it is such a tragedy to hear of Robin William's death. It limits what was left in the life of one of the most inspiring and incredible figures to have been born. So much joy and love and happiness spread throughout one lifetime. How could such a positive person take their lives and essentially give up? Well...that's what else bothers me about suicide as viewed by the public. Whether we acknowledge it or not, generally the public sees victims of suicide as a lost cause, severely mentally ill, depressed, even diseased. We wonder after the fact how someone could have ever felt like this and not have sought help. Yet, when we hear of those who claim they're depressed or having difficulty in their life, we scoff at these people. We tell them to get over themselves or cop out and say things will get better.
What hypocrisy.
What an obsolete and outdated way of viewing people with depression based on their characteristics. The fact of the matter is it doesn't matter how happy or cheerful or joyous any one victim of suicide is. What this all boils down to is that these people simply needed help. Needed someone, something, to keep them positive. When you are in such unimaginable pain for an extended time to the point where you must contemplate whether your existence is worth continuing or not, you're not necessarily thinking about all of the incredible things in your life. I'm in no way cleared to speculate why exactly Robin took his life. Is it shocking? Yes. Is it terrible news? Yes. Is it wrong?
Well, not quite.
Robin devoted his entire life to doing what he loved. Spreading laughter and happiness and being a source of inspiration for the masses. In the meantime, he was going through a severe stint of depression. Ultimately, that wound us up to where we are right now. There aren't any words that can be said to express the difficulty that he experienced, and consequently the difficulty we all must experience to mourn his and his family's loss, but also celebrate the person he was. Although circumstances did not play out in the greatest manner, this entire situation has taught us all something:
Care for everyone.
We won't know when our last day on Earth will be. We won't know when anyone's last day on Earth will be, really. Fate works in such strange ways that transform the impossible into the realm of possibility. What we all should be doing is celebrating that each and every day, we are one day further into this gift of life that has been so generously donated to us for us to experience. Situations like this remind us of the fragility of life, that not every day is guaranteed. But it is always up to you, to decide your fate. Why not choose life?
"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world."
We'll miss you Robin.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Waging War
I've always wanted to talk about this since it happened.
I'm not quite sure if this is as much as an issue as it was when the issue first rose into popularity, but the "issue" (in quotes) of minimum wage has definitely boiled over as jobs that offer minimum wage are becoming more and more frequent among the American public. A lot of the public outcry comes from the actual amount itself: $8.00 an hour in Colorado. Nationally, that is pretty far ahead of the average of $7.25 an hour. To put that in perspective, the highest minimum hourly wage is in D.C. at $9.50 an hour, followed by Washington ($9.32) and Oregon ($9.10), while the lowest is a tie between Wyoming and Georgia: $5.15. In fact, five states don't require a minimum wage at all, allowing the business to determine a wage. Recently, the city of Seattle has experimented with legislation that proposes raising the city's minimum hourly wage to $15.00 an hour. That would require every company within to city to pay each employee at least $15.00. This is what many of those protesting for higher wages, including fast food workers, retail workers, and restaurant workers, are aiming for. These groups have displayed their frustration because they claim that at such low wages in some of these states, there is not enough to make a living and support a family.
Which is why minimum wage will never reach these levels.
I myself have worked at two different minimum wage paying jobs. Thankfully, in my case, minimum hourly wage in Colorado has increased steadily by just about a dollar over the course of a couple years. I can say that in terms of what you're being payed for, it's a pretty fair bargain. Mundane and simple tasks of restocking items, pushing buttons, managing finances, and being courteous to customers. Regardless of my pay in both jobs, I enjoyed and still enjoy working not necessarily because of my pay, but because of some of the experiences I've shared. It's said that a job you never get tired of doing is a career. And as much as I love my job right now, I would never, ever consider it a career option, for the very same reason I feel minimum wage will never get too high:
Minimum wage jobs aren't made to support a family.
What are the three most important factors in looking for a higher paying job? Credentials, experience, and education. Now, let's look at those rallying for a higher minimum wage. Generally, what is their status in terms of these three qualifiers? Credentials aren't often too impressive, unless somehow the applicant had gone from a business level position back into a job that would only offer minimum wage. Normally past credentials are similar jobs that were held before, either looking for a new job or a new opportunity, which was not sought. Experience will normally only raise your pay by a dollar, two if you're really lucky. At my previous job, some of my employees had worked for nearly 2 years in a great position, but they hadn't even had their pay raised to $10. In this case, experience can only provide you so much. But where the pinnacle really shines is in the final category:
Education.
The initial point of a minimum wage was for workers and unions to be paid fairly and not be underrepresented for their hard work. These days, many of those fighting for higher wages say that the national average does underrepresent for how much work is done in some of these jobs. But to be paid more, you need to have more skills that set you apart from the average human being. I admit, and even had someone confront me about it before at work, that pressing buttons at a register isn't even worth $8.00, but the current minimum wage helps those who do these kinds of jobs so we're not paid $1.00 an hour like we should be. By getting an education, investing in a profession, and earning the right kind of degree, a career with higher pay is absolutely deserved. This way, you can support a family. But depending on the bare minimum to get you through your life with a family?
That's what's not right.
I'm not quite sure if this is as much as an issue as it was when the issue first rose into popularity, but the "issue" (in quotes) of minimum wage has definitely boiled over as jobs that offer minimum wage are becoming more and more frequent among the American public. A lot of the public outcry comes from the actual amount itself: $8.00 an hour in Colorado. Nationally, that is pretty far ahead of the average of $7.25 an hour. To put that in perspective, the highest minimum hourly wage is in D.C. at $9.50 an hour, followed by Washington ($9.32) and Oregon ($9.10), while the lowest is a tie between Wyoming and Georgia: $5.15. In fact, five states don't require a minimum wage at all, allowing the business to determine a wage. Recently, the city of Seattle has experimented with legislation that proposes raising the city's minimum hourly wage to $15.00 an hour. That would require every company within to city to pay each employee at least $15.00. This is what many of those protesting for higher wages, including fast food workers, retail workers, and restaurant workers, are aiming for. These groups have displayed their frustration because they claim that at such low wages in some of these states, there is not enough to make a living and support a family.
Which is why minimum wage will never reach these levels.
I myself have worked at two different minimum wage paying jobs. Thankfully, in my case, minimum hourly wage in Colorado has increased steadily by just about a dollar over the course of a couple years. I can say that in terms of what you're being payed for, it's a pretty fair bargain. Mundane and simple tasks of restocking items, pushing buttons, managing finances, and being courteous to customers. Regardless of my pay in both jobs, I enjoyed and still enjoy working not necessarily because of my pay, but because of some of the experiences I've shared. It's said that a job you never get tired of doing is a career. And as much as I love my job right now, I would never, ever consider it a career option, for the very same reason I feel minimum wage will never get too high:
Minimum wage jobs aren't made to support a family.
What are the three most important factors in looking for a higher paying job? Credentials, experience, and education. Now, let's look at those rallying for a higher minimum wage. Generally, what is their status in terms of these three qualifiers? Credentials aren't often too impressive, unless somehow the applicant had gone from a business level position back into a job that would only offer minimum wage. Normally past credentials are similar jobs that were held before, either looking for a new job or a new opportunity, which was not sought. Experience will normally only raise your pay by a dollar, two if you're really lucky. At my previous job, some of my employees had worked for nearly 2 years in a great position, but they hadn't even had their pay raised to $10. In this case, experience can only provide you so much. But where the pinnacle really shines is in the final category:
Education.
The initial point of a minimum wage was for workers and unions to be paid fairly and not be underrepresented for their hard work. These days, many of those fighting for higher wages say that the national average does underrepresent for how much work is done in some of these jobs. But to be paid more, you need to have more skills that set you apart from the average human being. I admit, and even had someone confront me about it before at work, that pressing buttons at a register isn't even worth $8.00, but the current minimum wage helps those who do these kinds of jobs so we're not paid $1.00 an hour like we should be. By getting an education, investing in a profession, and earning the right kind of degree, a career with higher pay is absolutely deserved. This way, you can support a family. But depending on the bare minimum to get you through your life with a family?
That's what's not right.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Wanted
I wonder what it'd be like to fall off the map.
One of my favorite books that I've ever read is Jon Krakauer's Into the Wild. This biography follows the true story of Christopher McCandless, a young man in the mid 90's who decided after graduating with honors from college to abandon his life, donate his entire savings to charity, rid of his possessions, and embark on a journey to travel the world. Krakauer interviews those who knew him, the witnesses to his journey, and documents the adventure taken by McCandless over the span of a couple years. McCandless wrote about each day in his journal, illustrating his trials and tribulations throughout his time. Ultimately, McCandless decides to travel into the mysterious Alaskan tundra, only to die of starvation, his journey over. McCandless' last journal entry reads as follows:
"I have had a happy life and thank the Lord. Goodbye and may God bless all!"
Accepting his fate.
McCandless has intrigued me to the point of such unrelenting passion in his motive and his drive to carry out what he had done. To leave behind everything you have and start life anew to where no one could know of your existence. Truly alone. A feat of psychological discovery. What could be done in that time? Establishing a connection with your conscience? Longing for the times of old and worry for those who loom behind you? One could only imagine. Obviously there would be those who would miss you and wonder of your journey. It's this group that would ever prevent most of us from going under the radar: the care and the love of others.
But what if there wasn't any?
Could it be possible to leave the face of the Earth unscathed of any second thought? Clearly not. Out of all of the people you have ever encountered upon your disappearance, there is far too great a chance that there would be someone to miss you. Someone to carry your memory. But there is no way to truly know who will miss you until the circumstances arise. As far as we know, there is not anyone who would miss you. Perhaps there might even be some people who are glad you have gone. Who is to say?
It arises an interesting point.
A point that concerns motive of wanting to disappear in the first place. It's a possibility that one might want to disappear to see who would miss them. Who would want them back. Christopher McCandless' purpose for embarking on his journey has never been confirmed, but many strong theories have been made. Many blamed his unbelievable sense of wonder to be the hubris that ultimately led to his downfall. But could he have ever imagined what sort of undertaking people would soon then follow after his death? So many audiences have been captivated by the mystery of his story, a paradigm that could not have been even conceived before McCandless' death. Suddenly everyone was concerned for his motive and wanted a reason for what he did. Wanted by others.
Maybe that's all I want.
One of my favorite books that I've ever read is Jon Krakauer's Into the Wild. This biography follows the true story of Christopher McCandless, a young man in the mid 90's who decided after graduating with honors from college to abandon his life, donate his entire savings to charity, rid of his possessions, and embark on a journey to travel the world. Krakauer interviews those who knew him, the witnesses to his journey, and documents the adventure taken by McCandless over the span of a couple years. McCandless wrote about each day in his journal, illustrating his trials and tribulations throughout his time. Ultimately, McCandless decides to travel into the mysterious Alaskan tundra, only to die of starvation, his journey over. McCandless' last journal entry reads as follows:
"I have had a happy life and thank the Lord. Goodbye and may God bless all!"
Accepting his fate.
McCandless has intrigued me to the point of such unrelenting passion in his motive and his drive to carry out what he had done. To leave behind everything you have and start life anew to where no one could know of your existence. Truly alone. A feat of psychological discovery. What could be done in that time? Establishing a connection with your conscience? Longing for the times of old and worry for those who loom behind you? One could only imagine. Obviously there would be those who would miss you and wonder of your journey. It's this group that would ever prevent most of us from going under the radar: the care and the love of others.
But what if there wasn't any?
Could it be possible to leave the face of the Earth unscathed of any second thought? Clearly not. Out of all of the people you have ever encountered upon your disappearance, there is far too great a chance that there would be someone to miss you. Someone to carry your memory. But there is no way to truly know who will miss you until the circumstances arise. As far as we know, there is not anyone who would miss you. Perhaps there might even be some people who are glad you have gone. Who is to say?
It arises an interesting point.
A point that concerns motive of wanting to disappear in the first place. It's a possibility that one might want to disappear to see who would miss them. Who would want them back. Christopher McCandless' purpose for embarking on his journey has never been confirmed, but many strong theories have been made. Many blamed his unbelievable sense of wonder to be the hubris that ultimately led to his downfall. But could he have ever imagined what sort of undertaking people would soon then follow after his death? So many audiences have been captivated by the mystery of his story, a paradigm that could not have been even conceived before McCandless' death. Suddenly everyone was concerned for his motive and wanted a reason for what he did. Wanted by others.
Maybe that's all I want.
Sunday, July 06, 2014
Thanks
My first blog post was June 8th, 2011.
That was three years ago. I started doing this thing more than three years ago. Today marks 70 total posts on my blog. As of last blog post, I'm now up to 5,000 total views. Five thousand. That's a long number to write out. I've been reflecting a lot upon the journey I've made since I began Catch 22, and when it comes down to it, and the whole entire reason I'm writing this with some sort of confidence, I can only think of this to say:
Thank you.
Yes, you! I mean, ultimately I would probably still be blogging even if I had a total view count of 5. Catch 22 was made for the purpose of just being able to express my feelings and let everything out like a sissy bitch. But in actuality, I did want to start writing and start blogging because it sparked some of the creativity in my head. It caused me to do one of my favorite things in the whole world: just sit down and actually think. I could probably blog until the end of time because there is just so much to write about. Different opinions, different outlooks, different generalizations. It's so incredible to be able to use this tool to open my eyes to all of what the world has to offer. But the fact that I get to share that joy and experience with people?
That's the best feeling in the world.
Take a look at that little view counter down there in that bottom right corner. My petty joke I thought was funny 3 years ago sits atop the mass of views that are compiled of people who, more or less, actually care about something that I write. That's something I get without even asking people. You guys don't have to do that. But you guys still do, and even today I have people who have been following my blog since its humble beginnings. Ever since I've been so inspired by others and by the way things work or the way the world is, and I've been able to document it all here.
And just by clicking here, you're supporting my efforts.
I mean, I don't get paid to do this (obviously) or have any real incentive to write something philosophical every week. Even today I do my best to utilize my blog for the same reasons as when I started: personal enlightenment. But through this journey, I've been able to find even more than that. My blogs have inspired others, helped some people in a few cases, been featured in the newspaper, they've gone so much further than I would have and could have ever imagined. And I don't have anybody else to thank for that but you guys.
So thank you.
Looking forward, I really don't see Catch 22 changing at all. In fact I wouldn't want it to. I have such a deep passion for writing and being able to express myself without the judgement of others (or, at least I did when I didn't have a lot of notoriety), and this entire experience has panned out so wonderfully for me. It's really improved my life. Perhaps I may even have some new readers, to which I must say welcome to the oddessy! I always encourage that even if you've only been following for a short amount of time, browse through some of the older posts. I've been doing that a lot lately. It's crazy to see some of the different outlooks throughout the short history of this blog.
But besides all that shameless self promotion, really, thanks so much.
That was three years ago. I started doing this thing more than three years ago. Today marks 70 total posts on my blog. As of last blog post, I'm now up to 5,000 total views. Five thousand. That's a long number to write out. I've been reflecting a lot upon the journey I've made since I began Catch 22, and when it comes down to it, and the whole entire reason I'm writing this with some sort of confidence, I can only think of this to say:
Thank you.
Yes, you! I mean, ultimately I would probably still be blogging even if I had a total view count of 5. Catch 22 was made for the purpose of just being able to express my feelings and let everything out like a sissy bitch. But in actuality, I did want to start writing and start blogging because it sparked some of the creativity in my head. It caused me to do one of my favorite things in the whole world: just sit down and actually think. I could probably blog until the end of time because there is just so much to write about. Different opinions, different outlooks, different generalizations. It's so incredible to be able to use this tool to open my eyes to all of what the world has to offer. But the fact that I get to share that joy and experience with people?
That's the best feeling in the world.
Take a look at that little view counter down there in that bottom right corner. My petty joke I thought was funny 3 years ago sits atop the mass of views that are compiled of people who, more or less, actually care about something that I write. That's something I get without even asking people. You guys don't have to do that. But you guys still do, and even today I have people who have been following my blog since its humble beginnings. Ever since I've been so inspired by others and by the way things work or the way the world is, and I've been able to document it all here.
And just by clicking here, you're supporting my efforts.
I mean, I don't get paid to do this (obviously) or have any real incentive to write something philosophical every week. Even today I do my best to utilize my blog for the same reasons as when I started: personal enlightenment. But through this journey, I've been able to find even more than that. My blogs have inspired others, helped some people in a few cases, been featured in the newspaper, they've gone so much further than I would have and could have ever imagined. And I don't have anybody else to thank for that but you guys.
So thank you.
Looking forward, I really don't see Catch 22 changing at all. In fact I wouldn't want it to. I have such a deep passion for writing and being able to express myself without the judgement of others (or, at least I did when I didn't have a lot of notoriety), and this entire experience has panned out so wonderfully for me. It's really improved my life. Perhaps I may even have some new readers, to which I must say welcome to the oddessy! I always encourage that even if you've only been following for a short amount of time, browse through some of the older posts. I've been doing that a lot lately. It's crazy to see some of the different outlooks throughout the short history of this blog.
But besides all that shameless self promotion, really, thanks so much.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Discovery
It's been a little over a week since the beginning of summer.
Crazy, right? You never truly realize when summer is because it just seems to creep up. The end of May brings so many prosperous feelings of joy and excitement for what the next months have in store. Especially in Colorado, the change from the other 3 seasons (essentially one giant season of cold) to summer is incredibly noticeable, as the beautiful girls get their chance to shine in their sun dresses and the boys throw on the tank tops and flip flops. I feel like summer has this aura to it, similar to the way I feel Christmas does - everyone just seems so happy and care free and lives life like it should be lived: unbounded. I made this same sort of post before about summer, mostly because it's my favorite season. I'm currently sat out on my deck out back in a folding chair, sipping on a strawberry banana smoothie and I just cracked open the new Daft Punk vinyl that came in the mail for me yesterday.
How could you be upset with that?
So far summer has treated me with many of its casual delights: warm, sunny days; fluffy, silver lined clouds; and mild, starry nights. I try my best not to take these sights for granted, because I know soon that these days will be gone and we'll retreat back to the regularity of our lives. Most of the fun and freedom that summer holds will be revoked with the bitter cold and the grey drone of sky. It's exactly for this reason that summer is so cherished in my heart; a spark of magic that brings old friends back together, adventures to be remembered for a lifetime, memories that shall not soon fade. I never really understood those who didn't care for summer. Perhaps some aren't quite akin to the exposure of the sun, but really that's the only reason I can imagine. Can they not see the beauty of what Earth lays all around them? The gentle rattle of the trees, the songs of the morning birds, the glitter of the cascading waves...so much to see.
Why not see it?
Seriously, this post was really nothing more than just appreciation for summer. Appreciate it. There may be more negatives than positives in your current situation, but let mother nature and all of your friends and the aura about show you what there is. Certainly the reasons I gave for loving summer aren't the only reasons to love it. This summer has just opened the world to me to behold all of the sights and all of the amazing and incredible feats that have been accomplished over time. A bit of an optimistic viewpoint, maybe, but there is truly beauty in everything you find.
Discover something new, everyone.
Crazy, right? You never truly realize when summer is because it just seems to creep up. The end of May brings so many prosperous feelings of joy and excitement for what the next months have in store. Especially in Colorado, the change from the other 3 seasons (essentially one giant season of cold) to summer is incredibly noticeable, as the beautiful girls get their chance to shine in their sun dresses and the boys throw on the tank tops and flip flops. I feel like summer has this aura to it, similar to the way I feel Christmas does - everyone just seems so happy and care free and lives life like it should be lived: unbounded. I made this same sort of post before about summer, mostly because it's my favorite season. I'm currently sat out on my deck out back in a folding chair, sipping on a strawberry banana smoothie and I just cracked open the new Daft Punk vinyl that came in the mail for me yesterday.
How could you be upset with that?
So far summer has treated me with many of its casual delights: warm, sunny days; fluffy, silver lined clouds; and mild, starry nights. I try my best not to take these sights for granted, because I know soon that these days will be gone and we'll retreat back to the regularity of our lives. Most of the fun and freedom that summer holds will be revoked with the bitter cold and the grey drone of sky. It's exactly for this reason that summer is so cherished in my heart; a spark of magic that brings old friends back together, adventures to be remembered for a lifetime, memories that shall not soon fade. I never really understood those who didn't care for summer. Perhaps some aren't quite akin to the exposure of the sun, but really that's the only reason I can imagine. Can they not see the beauty of what Earth lays all around them? The gentle rattle of the trees, the songs of the morning birds, the glitter of the cascading waves...so much to see.
Why not see it?
Seriously, this post was really nothing more than just appreciation for summer. Appreciate it. There may be more negatives than positives in your current situation, but let mother nature and all of your friends and the aura about show you what there is. Certainly the reasons I gave for loving summer aren't the only reasons to love it. This summer has just opened the world to me to behold all of the sights and all of the amazing and incredible feats that have been accomplished over time. A bit of an optimistic viewpoint, maybe, but there is truly beauty in everything you find.
Discover something new, everyone.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Spare Change
Man, I really have to keep writing in my blog.
I've had so much on my mind lately that I've just forgotten all about it. It'll be great to finally get some of that out and put out some more thought provoking questions at the same time. I do have to thank a bit of a twist of fate that I was inspired to write in my blog again. Being World Cup season for soccer or football across the pond, I wanted to go somewhere to watch it, so I decided to have lunch at my local sushi bar. While I was planning to eat alone, I ran into a long time good friend of mine who I've known essentially since I've moved to Loveland, and she invited me to sit with her. She was a big fan of my blog and asked if I had written anything recently, and to tell her the truth, I hadn't. We talked over the course of our time together, and it made me realize how different things have been since I first knew her nearly 4 years ago.
Time flies. What an understatement.
So after leaving the restaurant that afternoon I really started to think about what exactly I could write about. And I feel like one of the biggest points in my life right now is that it's changing. Uncontrollably. I just graduated from high school and I'm heading into the next phase of my life: adulthood. It's a big, wide, scary new place. But that's another topic for another day. What I really focused on is the entirety of my high school life, and even my life in general, and just assessed the factor of change in the thing that means most to me: people. Friends. Acquaintances. Family. Just everyone that has come and gone into my life. For better or for worse. Who I wished I had still and who I wish would just dissipate into the void.
And that brought up an interesting thought.
I saw a great video on the way humans physically change over the course of time. Well, maybe not so much physically more so than microscopically. The video mentions that in a typical person, the atoms they have today will all be completely different atoms in five years. Essentially, in the span of five years, you are physically no longer the person you were five years ago at all. It's a pretty remarkable concept to consider, especially since five years really is not a long time in actuality. Yet, to presently think about all of the events in your life the past five years is a herculean task. It's difficult to even say how different I am from a month ago. However it's not necessarily the physical attributes that are highlighted in that change, but more of the internal and external retrospects of my life. To correlate the two lies an interesting theory.
Do we naturally change on the inside as we do outside?
The obvious answer is yes. Of course we are constantly changing, we are definitely not the same person with the same values as when we were 9 years old. But even as we get older to a more static age range, 30-45 perhaps, our persona is constantly changing day to day in the slightest ways. Eventually, it seems like we are two completely different people in the way we carry ourselves, our friends, our habits, our values. After meeting with my friend at sushi, it took me back to the time where her and I associated often. The time from then and now is so radically different and it was only 4 years past. I hadn't met some of the greatest people to be in my life now. I hadn't discovered the passions that would now drive the rest of my future. I had not become the person I can say I am happy with being today. It was a fantastic reminiscence of what I have transformed into today.
But it kind of hurt, too.
On the contrary, remembering my past and where I have come from also reminded me of the people I have had at one point that are no longer there. Reflecting upon past actions is a gift and a curse, because although reflection provides an incredible display of past achievements, past failures are recorded just as heavily and presented largely in the forefront of memory. And that's kinda what I've succumbed to after a long vacation away from society (which will definitely be discussed in more detail eventually): how I've changed. How others have changed subsequently through my actions. It really affects me to see how the people I once loved and once had the utmost respect for are now people that are no longer part of my life. Especially when you know they're out there. That's what cuts deep. So many people in my life are so different and I wish it just wasn't that way because it just hurts everyone. But perhaps it's for the better. Perhaps this is the universe telling me that there are just better things to come. I mean, as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's treasure.
What I wouldn't give for some spare change.
I've had so much on my mind lately that I've just forgotten all about it. It'll be great to finally get some of that out and put out some more thought provoking questions at the same time. I do have to thank a bit of a twist of fate that I was inspired to write in my blog again. Being World Cup season for soccer or football across the pond, I wanted to go somewhere to watch it, so I decided to have lunch at my local sushi bar. While I was planning to eat alone, I ran into a long time good friend of mine who I've known essentially since I've moved to Loveland, and she invited me to sit with her. She was a big fan of my blog and asked if I had written anything recently, and to tell her the truth, I hadn't. We talked over the course of our time together, and it made me realize how different things have been since I first knew her nearly 4 years ago.
Time flies. What an understatement.
So after leaving the restaurant that afternoon I really started to think about what exactly I could write about. And I feel like one of the biggest points in my life right now is that it's changing. Uncontrollably. I just graduated from high school and I'm heading into the next phase of my life: adulthood. It's a big, wide, scary new place. But that's another topic for another day. What I really focused on is the entirety of my high school life, and even my life in general, and just assessed the factor of change in the thing that means most to me: people. Friends. Acquaintances. Family. Just everyone that has come and gone into my life. For better or for worse. Who I wished I had still and who I wish would just dissipate into the void.
And that brought up an interesting thought.
I saw a great video on the way humans physically change over the course of time. Well, maybe not so much physically more so than microscopically. The video mentions that in a typical person, the atoms they have today will all be completely different atoms in five years. Essentially, in the span of five years, you are physically no longer the person you were five years ago at all. It's a pretty remarkable concept to consider, especially since five years really is not a long time in actuality. Yet, to presently think about all of the events in your life the past five years is a herculean task. It's difficult to even say how different I am from a month ago. However it's not necessarily the physical attributes that are highlighted in that change, but more of the internal and external retrospects of my life. To correlate the two lies an interesting theory.
Do we naturally change on the inside as we do outside?
The obvious answer is yes. Of course we are constantly changing, we are definitely not the same person with the same values as when we were 9 years old. But even as we get older to a more static age range, 30-45 perhaps, our persona is constantly changing day to day in the slightest ways. Eventually, it seems like we are two completely different people in the way we carry ourselves, our friends, our habits, our values. After meeting with my friend at sushi, it took me back to the time where her and I associated often. The time from then and now is so radically different and it was only 4 years past. I hadn't met some of the greatest people to be in my life now. I hadn't discovered the passions that would now drive the rest of my future. I had not become the person I can say I am happy with being today. It was a fantastic reminiscence of what I have transformed into today.
But it kind of hurt, too.
On the contrary, remembering my past and where I have come from also reminded me of the people I have had at one point that are no longer there. Reflecting upon past actions is a gift and a curse, because although reflection provides an incredible display of past achievements, past failures are recorded just as heavily and presented largely in the forefront of memory. And that's kinda what I've succumbed to after a long vacation away from society (which will definitely be discussed in more detail eventually): how I've changed. How others have changed subsequently through my actions. It really affects me to see how the people I once loved and once had the utmost respect for are now people that are no longer part of my life. Especially when you know they're out there. That's what cuts deep. So many people in my life are so different and I wish it just wasn't that way because it just hurts everyone. But perhaps it's for the better. Perhaps this is the universe telling me that there are just better things to come. I mean, as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's treasure.
What I wouldn't give for some spare change.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Flipside
What was the last decision you made?
Perhaps it was what song to listen to. Maybe it was what to respond to your mother when she asked you of a favor. Monotonous choices made every day; what we decide to wear, what we're going to do for the day, how we're going to act. These selections are what come together to culminate how our day goes as a whole. Much of this goes completely unnoticed by us as well. Choices are made every single day, every hour, every second. These are all of the decisions that come and go without a second though. What muscles to move, when to take a breath, what to look at with our eyes. It's these disregarded happenings that are simply instinctual to our nature, things that we must do in order to function. Not a lot of thought goes into these movements, in fact they're more or less automatic. Nothing that could really have a great impact on our lives in the future.
Right?
It's captivating to sit down and just think about every decision we make and subsequently how we choose to respond. It's a very simple process, two or more options are presented, and ultimately one must be chosen. A great majority of the options are even more simplistic: to do or not to do. Yes or no. Basic two sided questions with the most innocent of intentions. It's practically a flip of the coin in some scenarios; we may not even care what outcome is the result of our choices. Some decisions are that meaningless. But who knows when a decision that seems like a regular choice for us could end up holding the most dire of significance later on? How are we to know when questions can hold infinite, radical differences based on bland answers?
Well, that's the thing. We don't really know.
Of course, in hindsight, we view our past choices with this knowledge of significance. We can dissect many different decisions and how they inevitably led to a bigger decision further down the road. Often we regret the original choice that was made. If only we made the opposite choice. If we would have known the repercussions of one choice versus another...things would have been different. Maybe it was something we said. Something we did. A missed opportunity that gave everything a turn for the worst. It's a struggle to imagine the flipside of any event, how it has affected us and how much we wish we could just take it all back. Start over again. Make all of the right choices so that everything we've lost can be reclaimed. Just then, maybe things wouldn't be so bad...
But that's no way to go living life.
The overlooming fact of the matter is that in our lives, we are responsible for the choices that form our lives. Our choices define who we become.There are some things that everybody wishes they could redo. Turn back time so that we can punctuate ourselves in the manner that we see fit. Regret is a terrible emotion, because it dwells on the past and what we could have done instead of focusing on the future and what is yet to come. The decisions that will soon come that may seem so astronomically unimportant at one moment, and then the most important choice we've ever made in our lives at the next. The chance to truly make up the person we want to be so we are not trapped wondering about the flipside.
But sometimes...you just can't help but think.
Perhaps it was what song to listen to. Maybe it was what to respond to your mother when she asked you of a favor. Monotonous choices made every day; what we decide to wear, what we're going to do for the day, how we're going to act. These selections are what come together to culminate how our day goes as a whole. Much of this goes completely unnoticed by us as well. Choices are made every single day, every hour, every second. These are all of the decisions that come and go without a second though. What muscles to move, when to take a breath, what to look at with our eyes. It's these disregarded happenings that are simply instinctual to our nature, things that we must do in order to function. Not a lot of thought goes into these movements, in fact they're more or less automatic. Nothing that could really have a great impact on our lives in the future.
Right?
It's captivating to sit down and just think about every decision we make and subsequently how we choose to respond. It's a very simple process, two or more options are presented, and ultimately one must be chosen. A great majority of the options are even more simplistic: to do or not to do. Yes or no. Basic two sided questions with the most innocent of intentions. It's practically a flip of the coin in some scenarios; we may not even care what outcome is the result of our choices. Some decisions are that meaningless. But who knows when a decision that seems like a regular choice for us could end up holding the most dire of significance later on? How are we to know when questions can hold infinite, radical differences based on bland answers?
Well, that's the thing. We don't really know.
Of course, in hindsight, we view our past choices with this knowledge of significance. We can dissect many different decisions and how they inevitably led to a bigger decision further down the road. Often we regret the original choice that was made. If only we made the opposite choice. If we would have known the repercussions of one choice versus another...things would have been different. Maybe it was something we said. Something we did. A missed opportunity that gave everything a turn for the worst. It's a struggle to imagine the flipside of any event, how it has affected us and how much we wish we could just take it all back. Start over again. Make all of the right choices so that everything we've lost can be reclaimed. Just then, maybe things wouldn't be so bad...
But that's no way to go living life.
The overlooming fact of the matter is that in our lives, we are responsible for the choices that form our lives. Our choices define who we become.There are some things that everybody wishes they could redo. Turn back time so that we can punctuate ourselves in the manner that we see fit. Regret is a terrible emotion, because it dwells on the past and what we could have done instead of focusing on the future and what is yet to come. The decisions that will soon come that may seem so astronomically unimportant at one moment, and then the most important choice we've ever made in our lives at the next. The chance to truly make up the person we want to be so we are not trapped wondering about the flipside.
But sometimes...you just can't help but think.
Sunday, April 06, 2014
Arsenal of Words
We're back.
It's a bittersweet experience to be looking through some of the entries that were made nearly nearly 7 months ago. Comparing the troubles of then to those of now and assessing each situation on what has changed and what has not. Something that seems so distant of a memory has only elapsed so far as not even a year's time has progressed since. The relativity of time is always so mysterious. Events of the present seem to fly without a moment's notice, whereas all of the lost seconds appear to pile up into a mess of the past. It hurts to have a visual representation of the time that has been spent, some of it to sit and never be used for any good. While I wish I could come back to my blog and mention of all of the wonderful events that have occurred, such as the dump of wasted seconds, those events have come and gone in the blink of an eye. With an entire week to harness all of the negative energy and do my best to expel of it, I am still left with an unimaginably overwhelming burden of issues that need attention. To think of where my life was after my last post here, and to compare it to now, it seems as if a year ago from now, life was headed for the best direction it possibly could have.
Remorsefully, that's done a complete 180.
The hardest issue for me lately has been overcoming the loss of someone that has held such a special place in my heart for the longest time. An open gash that seemingly will not scab over, as the matter continues to be picked, and picked, and picked. Infectious, one might say, as the matter has eaten away at my own morals, causing a great bit of dissonance in my decision making. One's morals are the essence of their own being, who they choose to be and who they ultimately decide to portray themselves as to the general public. Over the course of this last week, I have had my morals tested. An ultimatum of sorts, where either choice leaves me breaking one of my morals to justify the other. It is today that I question this very situation: what is there to do when the few ideals you hold sacred are pitched against each other, only one to emerge the victor? Hurt will result in either decision, so it stands that neither choice is favorable.
Wouldn't you know it. A Catch-22.
When it comes down to it, I cannot take the exit to a highway of regret to the choice I have decided to make regarding where my life will be headed in the coming future. But it surely doesn't mean that I can't feel the pain behind the gravity of the situation. Consequently because of my decision, I have been labeled as a monster. A waste of time. An unwanted memory. Removed from what I was once known as...just a genuine person. These words have festered deep into my conscious, causing me to question who I really am and who I am becoming. Normally, words should not have such a grave effect on one's being, but when those who you once knew and trusted have now turned against you in the battle, these words are an arsenal sent to destroy the well-being of our sanity.
And successfully they have done so.
Am I here to say that I have given up, though? Absolutely not. By the nature of how life functions, I am forced to move on. Times have proven tough, at times nearly impossible to deal with. It pains me to think about the trials to come in recovering from such a forceful attack, but to abandon one's morals completely after a challenge is not the option to follow through upon. Life will continue to progress, and it stands to reason that it wouldn't be sensible to wait until things get better. No. You are the controller of your own destiny. And to make such a rash decision would be to throw in the towel. Raise the white flag. And that's not the person I am. Pain will always exist in one's life, and it may be a pain I have to endure for many more months, maybe even longer. But I will not sit here and say I have been defeated by the destruction of the mightiest weapon there is: words.
So here I go.
It's a bittersweet experience to be looking through some of the entries that were made nearly nearly 7 months ago. Comparing the troubles of then to those of now and assessing each situation on what has changed and what has not. Something that seems so distant of a memory has only elapsed so far as not even a year's time has progressed since. The relativity of time is always so mysterious. Events of the present seem to fly without a moment's notice, whereas all of the lost seconds appear to pile up into a mess of the past. It hurts to have a visual representation of the time that has been spent, some of it to sit and never be used for any good. While I wish I could come back to my blog and mention of all of the wonderful events that have occurred, such as the dump of wasted seconds, those events have come and gone in the blink of an eye. With an entire week to harness all of the negative energy and do my best to expel of it, I am still left with an unimaginably overwhelming burden of issues that need attention. To think of where my life was after my last post here, and to compare it to now, it seems as if a year ago from now, life was headed for the best direction it possibly could have.
Remorsefully, that's done a complete 180.
The hardest issue for me lately has been overcoming the loss of someone that has held such a special place in my heart for the longest time. An open gash that seemingly will not scab over, as the matter continues to be picked, and picked, and picked. Infectious, one might say, as the matter has eaten away at my own morals, causing a great bit of dissonance in my decision making. One's morals are the essence of their own being, who they choose to be and who they ultimately decide to portray themselves as to the general public. Over the course of this last week, I have had my morals tested. An ultimatum of sorts, where either choice leaves me breaking one of my morals to justify the other. It is today that I question this very situation: what is there to do when the few ideals you hold sacred are pitched against each other, only one to emerge the victor? Hurt will result in either decision, so it stands that neither choice is favorable.
Wouldn't you know it. A Catch-22.
When it comes down to it, I cannot take the exit to a highway of regret to the choice I have decided to make regarding where my life will be headed in the coming future. But it surely doesn't mean that I can't feel the pain behind the gravity of the situation. Consequently because of my decision, I have been labeled as a monster. A waste of time. An unwanted memory. Removed from what I was once known as...just a genuine person. These words have festered deep into my conscious, causing me to question who I really am and who I am becoming. Normally, words should not have such a grave effect on one's being, but when those who you once knew and trusted have now turned against you in the battle, these words are an arsenal sent to destroy the well-being of our sanity.
And successfully they have done so.
Am I here to say that I have given up, though? Absolutely not. By the nature of how life functions, I am forced to move on. Times have proven tough, at times nearly impossible to deal with. It pains me to think about the trials to come in recovering from such a forceful attack, but to abandon one's morals completely after a challenge is not the option to follow through upon. Life will continue to progress, and it stands to reason that it wouldn't be sensible to wait until things get better. No. You are the controller of your own destiny. And to make such a rash decision would be to throw in the towel. Raise the white flag. And that's not the person I am. Pain will always exist in one's life, and it may be a pain I have to endure for many more months, maybe even longer. But I will not sit here and say I have been defeated by the destruction of the mightiest weapon there is: words.
So here I go.
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