What a beautiful, snowy night.
Nothing better than to curl up in bed with my space heater and some chamomile tea with my laptop and just blog for a bit. I never tend to care for such days like this, but I got to go outside for a bit to do some yard work and realized how much I truly do love the snow. It's just such a pure white when untouched and the way the power just collects upon itself over time...it's like magic, so to speak. Just a small thought that I'd share before delving into my topic tonight. Often times, I am not too self centered in my blogs. I normally recount my experiences of an event that happened during the week or observations that I beheld or something of the matter. I mean, it's an attribute that I've told of several times, something that is a defining part of who I am: being selfless. I do my part to never be too concerned about myself and rather look out for the well being of others, which many would call a very noble and kind thing to do for others. I would like to think otherwise.
My selflessness is killing me.
The selflessness that I give off is my biggest flaw in my own accord. It's great to care about others, fantastic even. But where it becomes so much is that I care too much about others. In fact, all my care and compassion goes into others. I desperately want to help people become the best that they can be, even when it is in small actions or overwhelmingly large amounts of generosity that I offer to people. I will gladly miss multiple homework assignments to stay up all night and talk to a friend in need. I will put off my own needs just for the sake of someone feeling better. Even if it's short term. I don't want anything to do with my own life, my own priorities.
I just don't care about myself.
So much to the point it hurts. It affects my life drastically. Lately, it seems like I try to help others too much. What I feel is giving everything I got isn't enough, and sometimes people are angry at me. It's hard to admit, but that's just one thing that cripples my soul and absolutely riddles me down to the core. Hatred. Of any form. Especially because all I want to do is help. It seems as if I have become blissfully aware of the recklessness that being selfless is causing in my decisions for my own life. The benefits to myself are non-existent. The scary thing is that I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm too humble, but I want to be too humble, because I feel nothing I do deserves credit, rather I just want to be able to uplift those in need. I become trapped in the hole of trying to feel good about something, anything that I do. But I become afraid that I will not be seen as humble and my ego will grow. It withers away in me to the point where I just break down some nights and just don't know how to feel about myself because it seems like nothing I do pays off. Not even my love of helping people.
And I humiliate myself through my humility.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Issues
I nearly forgot to blog today.
Perhaps I should have forgotten, because what I intend to ponder might be considered something that is controversial or something that touches a nerve in some people. Of course, again, I never intend to offend anybody here in my blog, I simply want to become closer to enlightenment, which requires some controversial questions be raised. I wonder about the issues that we all have. Some of the biting and condemning problems that we all as individuals have, in one way or another. It seems to be different in degree and in form. Most notably, I've been noticing a lot of uproar about mental illness sustained from our own experiences. It's always been tragic to see a lot of people go through the catacombs of mental illness, and I myself have fallen victim before. The thing is though, and this is what people may find offensive.
I just...don't get it.
Mental illness is compared to the likes of diseases such as cancer, heart attacks...isn't that a bit more of an exaggeration than anything? On the contrary, attention to mental illness is still an issue that should be dealt with appropriately and deserves proper respect. I find myself to be biased in favor of degrading mental illness...I've chronicled my hatred for some of the methods of treatment before. I am in strong opposition of medication in order to sway depression or any other feelings. A pill that makes you feel happy? That makes everything okay? It upsets me to see humanity feels that emotion, a human instinct that we are instilled with and are given as creatures of the Earth to feel, can be altered by a man-made drug. It doesn't make sense to me. It truly doesn't.
But hell, what do I know?
That seems to be the general argument for...well, anyone who has anything of theirs criticized. "How would you know? You've never had to experience it." That's the thing though. I have. Hell, I've gone through experiences that a young child my age should never have to experience. Surely, much more anxiety inducing and allowing more reason for a mental illness to develop. Is that to say that my pain is worse than anyone else's? I'm not here to compare that, that's just not the argument I'm attempting to make. Rather, I don't feel that those with this illness should merely succumb to the fact that it is present. It is curable, and this isn't done through any diagnosed drug or professional counseling or anything.
It's self enlightenment.
Being able to say that you love yourself. That you are able to look at every day with a proactive retrospect. Is that to say that you are an optimist? Certainly not. Optimism and self-appreciation are two different things in the sense that optimism is a positive approach to every single thing out there, whereas self-appreciation is being able to connect with yourself and finding out who you are. It seems like a lot of mental illness happens within my own age range, and that is probably due to the fact that the self-discovery process is still in full effect, when we feel we have established an identity long before we even have a clue. I don't mean to sound like a jerk or anything. I've lived through this, and I am a better person because of it. I don't see that often. I dunno.
I guess it's just me.
Perhaps I should have forgotten, because what I intend to ponder might be considered something that is controversial or something that touches a nerve in some people. Of course, again, I never intend to offend anybody here in my blog, I simply want to become closer to enlightenment, which requires some controversial questions be raised. I wonder about the issues that we all have. Some of the biting and condemning problems that we all as individuals have, in one way or another. It seems to be different in degree and in form. Most notably, I've been noticing a lot of uproar about mental illness sustained from our own experiences. It's always been tragic to see a lot of people go through the catacombs of mental illness, and I myself have fallen victim before. The thing is though, and this is what people may find offensive.
I just...don't get it.
Mental illness is compared to the likes of diseases such as cancer, heart attacks...isn't that a bit more of an exaggeration than anything? On the contrary, attention to mental illness is still an issue that should be dealt with appropriately and deserves proper respect. I find myself to be biased in favor of degrading mental illness...I've chronicled my hatred for some of the methods of treatment before. I am in strong opposition of medication in order to sway depression or any other feelings. A pill that makes you feel happy? That makes everything okay? It upsets me to see humanity feels that emotion, a human instinct that we are instilled with and are given as creatures of the Earth to feel, can be altered by a man-made drug. It doesn't make sense to me. It truly doesn't.
But hell, what do I know?
That seems to be the general argument for...well, anyone who has anything of theirs criticized. "How would you know? You've never had to experience it." That's the thing though. I have. Hell, I've gone through experiences that a young child my age should never have to experience. Surely, much more anxiety inducing and allowing more reason for a mental illness to develop. Is that to say that my pain is worse than anyone else's? I'm not here to compare that, that's just not the argument I'm attempting to make. Rather, I don't feel that those with this illness should merely succumb to the fact that it is present. It is curable, and this isn't done through any diagnosed drug or professional counseling or anything.
It's self enlightenment.
Being able to say that you love yourself. That you are able to look at every day with a proactive retrospect. Is that to say that you are an optimist? Certainly not. Optimism and self-appreciation are two different things in the sense that optimism is a positive approach to every single thing out there, whereas self-appreciation is being able to connect with yourself and finding out who you are. It seems like a lot of mental illness happens within my own age range, and that is probably due to the fact that the self-discovery process is still in full effect, when we feel we have established an identity long before we even have a clue. I don't mean to sound like a jerk or anything. I've lived through this, and I am a better person because of it. I don't see that often. I dunno.
I guess it's just me.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
A Testament of Happiness
We're back, kids.
It's been a long while since I've been able to go about doing a blog, and I must say that I truly miss being able to relinquish thoughts onto this webpage. Goodness, has there been a lot going on. Only just recently though have I had something that I feel like I absolutely need to write about, because it's been a nagging issue to my conscience for a long while, something that I have been blogging about since the beginning, and what might be the entire reason I even started this blog in the first place: happiness. There has been a lack of it all around me, not only in myself, but primarily in others that has been affecting me. It involves the sort of happiness that, from my observations, is the most sought after yet what can be considered the most invaluable of all happiness: materialistic happiness.
Something lost from younger generations.
It seems that as the generations get younger, often times I catch myself in the act, that they don't seem to value much that isn't something that they can posses; something that they can have. It can be something entirely in the state of the moment: a new toy seen on TV, some junk food to eat when you're bored, something that will soon be forgotten and stored away. I see this a lot with my younger siblings, nothing seems to make them happy unless its new and benefits them in the short term, then it is forgotten and left unappreciated. I own several video games for many different consoles, yet I constantly hear the phrase "I'm bored of all these games." There is a refrigerator and cabinet full of food to make, yet they open the door and state "Let's go get some candy." The thing is, though, it's not just them.
It's a disease that plagues us all.
But the question I ask is this - where has all of the happiness gone? What will it take to make the younger generations and even the current generations happy? It's difficult to pinpoint what the source of happiness is for each individual, as that source is often different for every one person. I know of numerous individuals lost in the bind of sadness and depression and anxiety, unable to free themselves from the chains of despair and reach the ultimate goal of happiness for themselves. It's just the issue of obtaining the goal that stands in the way of many. Perhaps that is something we all should begin to realize as the generations ware on. Happiness comes in many forms, it's more than materials that we enjoy or feelings that we feel. Happiness comes from everywhere.
You just gotta look around.
It's been a long while since I've been able to go about doing a blog, and I must say that I truly miss being able to relinquish thoughts onto this webpage. Goodness, has there been a lot going on. Only just recently though have I had something that I feel like I absolutely need to write about, because it's been a nagging issue to my conscience for a long while, something that I have been blogging about since the beginning, and what might be the entire reason I even started this blog in the first place: happiness. There has been a lack of it all around me, not only in myself, but primarily in others that has been affecting me. It involves the sort of happiness that, from my observations, is the most sought after yet what can be considered the most invaluable of all happiness: materialistic happiness.
Something lost from younger generations.
It seems that as the generations get younger, often times I catch myself in the act, that they don't seem to value much that isn't something that they can posses; something that they can have. It can be something entirely in the state of the moment: a new toy seen on TV, some junk food to eat when you're bored, something that will soon be forgotten and stored away. I see this a lot with my younger siblings, nothing seems to make them happy unless its new and benefits them in the short term, then it is forgotten and left unappreciated. I own several video games for many different consoles, yet I constantly hear the phrase "I'm bored of all these games." There is a refrigerator and cabinet full of food to make, yet they open the door and state "Let's go get some candy." The thing is, though, it's not just them.
It's a disease that plagues us all.
But the question I ask is this - where has all of the happiness gone? What will it take to make the younger generations and even the current generations happy? It's difficult to pinpoint what the source of happiness is for each individual, as that source is often different for every one person. I know of numerous individuals lost in the bind of sadness and depression and anxiety, unable to free themselves from the chains of despair and reach the ultimate goal of happiness for themselves. It's just the issue of obtaining the goal that stands in the way of many. Perhaps that is something we all should begin to realize as the generations ware on. Happiness comes in many forms, it's more than materials that we enjoy or feelings that we feel. Happiness comes from everywhere.
You just gotta look around.
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