Sweet

Where does anger come from?

As early as 5 years old, I have had issues with my temper. Of course, I grow out of it more and more each year to the point where now after 20 years, that anger doesn't tend to show itself externally all that much anymore. But do I still feel anger? Is that a question that even has to be asked? Anger, stress, frustration, anxiety; all facets of the negative human psyche and all very natural to feel in healthy increments. It's obvious that if we live through the lens of negativity and hatred, we will become different people because of it. Our personality type is normally dictated by our frame of mind. Life designates endless challenges, and our reactions to these experiences are vital to decision making not only for the future, but right here in the present also. I'd say it's safe to assume that for the most part, people in our spheres of influences aren't mostly angry or grumpy or what have you. That being said, we can all pick out someone we know that embodies some of these traits pretty quickly. How does someone live like that? Well, to answer that question, I will direct you to my initial question.

What spawns these feelings of anger?

Generally speaking, the biggest influence towards anger begins with a test towards one's morals. Disagreement over what somebody finds to be their most important aspect of why they live their life is a sure fire way to kindle the fire. Now, keep in mind, this lies among the core values of our personal humanity. Not only will morals differ between individuals, but a contrast in moralistic view does not always constitute a negative reaction. The art of reasoning and an open mind certainly aid in keeping level heads. Unfortunately, we can be forgetful in this advice while things are heated. As mentioned in previous blogs, emotion can be a very powerful force in driving our actions. Where else does anger seep through the cracks? Protection, the will to defend someone or something that has been or is in danger of being harmed. Bravery is another quality that can be associated with these incidents, in cases of the self-proclaimed 'Mama Bear Mode'. Anger is a reckless, unpredictable, and quite frankly remarkable human instinct that is capable of more than we may give credit to. I'll prove it.

Yell as loud as you can.

Chances are you can't do that or are rational enough of a person to not listen to what someone on the internet told you to do. As an alternative experiment, think of something or someone recently that made you upset. Think of what made you upset. Instantaneously, you might feel more tense around the temples. Your pulse and blood pressure rise, you may even be annoyed with the ignorance, injustice, or hypocrisy you encountered. Countless studies have been conducted on anger's effect in different areas of the human body, ranging from emotional to physical. It is my firm belief, however, that even the deepest and most thorough research of any human property is still inaccurate to the point of absolute certainty of personal reactions to our own anger. The slight, subtle chemical differences and imbalances make it impossible for the research to be anymore but a general guideline of expectations and really nothing more. I don't mean to throw out all of the science behind our behaviors, my point is that there is always more to it than the initial condition alone.

I've had a lot of time to think about anger recently.

Those that know me well (or even a little) know I am not necessarily an 'angry' person. Intense? You've got me there. I'll even take stern, disciplined, 'no fun' is stretching it a little, but never perpetually angry. Like I said, my anger has been a large presence in my life since early childhood. While it was tough to control through the end of elementary and beginning of middle school, I eventually got a hold on how to soften it and soon enough brush most of it off. But I've learned most recently that anger comes from places you wouldn't always expect. People you love and you care about...you can hold them up to some pretty high standards because you devote hours of your life towards them, but they don't always reciprocate. Even when they should. Do you know what really gets under the skin? When you know you're in the right. I'm not even talking through a perspective of arrogance or political demonstration. The decision you made is the one that in your mind and the minds of others is the best for the situation. Yet you are denied the freedom from the source, from the pain and the heartache and the restless nights questioning whether what you are doing really is right. It destroys you.

Even still, you can't become devoured by hate.

I have felt hate before. It's an awful feeling. You feel as if your soul has become lifeless, devoid of empathy and debating if you care about anything anymore. Malicious is the best word I can use to describe a feeling that strong. Malice doesn't mix too well with the conscious. Hate is a declaration of surrender. The enemy has won. Though nothing may come of the present situation, our essence has been compromised to the point of losing the person that we were always meant to be. I've lost that person...but the strongest way to exact revenge is to continue life, except better. Reach higher. Push harder. Turn that awesome power of anger around into motivation to defy the oppression that aims to tear you down and hold you back. As the kids say these days, haters gonna hate. The great part about time is that every day is a new day. Time heals all wounds, and with it the anger and pain decays like rust, unshackling our bonds towards the sweet release of freedom. It's so close I can taste it.

And it tastes so sweet.

Blossom

I'm twenty now.

I refuse to display that age numerically. The thought of having to type something other than a 1 first is terrifying. It's a physical manifestation of life progression represented by a row in my keyboard. Of course that's remarkably dramatic, age has never really been a prominent issue for me as far as coming to terms with getting older is concerned. I'm arguably in the prime time of my life. With an even two decades under my belt, I don't anticipate ending that streak anytime soon. I'm becoming indoctrinated into a brand new phase of adulthood akin from my 18th. Gone are the years of teenage adolescence, and here to stay are the days of...well, nothing too different from what I'm doing already: living my life. I rarely ever recognize the actual aging process, instead I prefer to define each age as a timeline of both good and bad landmark events. I mean, don't we all? I would safely bet that generally, people tend to naturally streamline the thought process of personal reflections. Every year when my birthday rolls around, I always become so nostalgic for times that once were, and not always the present. To explore the concept of time and all of its intricacies seems so cliché and overdone in this day and age, but the truth is that time is the former:

So intricate that the conversation material is infinite.

Think about it. Every perception and experience is unique to our person. Even if several people experience the exact same sensation, their perceptions can still vastly differ. Time is concrete in the sense that we are all subject to it, yet tangible enough in its essence to be dictated by how we choose to spend it. Of course, it's all just a fancy way of saying your time is what you make of it. Time is short, in relativity. We're all just blips on the radar in the endless ocean that is all the time that has ever existed or will exist. But with that sort of outlook, how is anybody supposed to enjoy the life they live? I've never been on the side of future seeking in terms of life philosophy, but I don't quite revel in my past either. Being in the moment, presently aware of the situation in the short term...it makes sense, right? Are you happy right now? If not, why? I feel that we commonly overlook the fact that we are the controllers of our own destiny. That being said, we can't blame ourselves for every negative outcome that spawns from our choices. Sometimes life finds you in some pretty compromising positions.

It's in those moments where you realize how quickly things can change in time.

Do the worst things really happen to the best people? There's no way to measure that at all. None of that rhetoric is credible to the point of data collection. My life experience to this point has been just as idiosyncratic as the next guy; the struggles and successes I attain can only be defined by my own recollection. Still there are times, though, where you can't help but sit and wonder, asking, "Why me? Why now?". Two very existential questions, and there is much debate on where to turn for such guidance which is not my business to dabble in. Instead, I'll leave it to this: life isn't fair sometimes. That sounds so pessimistic, but it's a fact of life. As I transpire into adulthood, I am beginning to face numerous challenges of varying difficulties and degrees. Those obstacles aren't going away, either. The moral here is that life is not fair, and how to react to that statement is what defines our character going forward. Even in the most enduring of times we can't allow ourselves to let up and accept our fate. Fight back.

In times of crisis, our true colors are revealed.

As I reflect on 19, my thought is immediately driven to the last month or so. My timeline has filled up rather plentifully, for better and for worse. I've been through events that I never would have imagined I'd be in lately. The kind of moments that leave you awake at night, typing away in the dull light of the screen, still wondering what to do. Time is a temperamental entity.  It reconnects the ties that are severed and worn, it steadily burns the bridges of the strongest foundations. But can you let time define you? Not quite. Let it shape you. Allow time to be the supplement that augments your decisions presently, for the future. Set yourself up now for success in the future. The budson my tree of life may be wilted, but as time inevitably does, they will rebuild and blossom into something incredible soon. No matter what I've been through, none of it matters. What matters is what's on the other side: moving forward.

Twenty years sounds like a great time to blossom. Why not?

Up My Sleeve

What is love?

It's pretty humorous the fact that we mock a question of its value (thanks in part to this comedy trio) and dismiss the very real implications behind it. The phrase really has become no more than an elementary pondering; it's a simple human emotion. Realistically speaking, how many of our emotions can we call simple? Consider the vast amount of depth to base emotions: happiness, sadness, anger, fear...hell, even the thesaurus will give you a different list of identities. So where exactly does love fall in that retrospect? Well, I could make the argument love is a smorgasbord of just a bit of everything. Don't call me Casanova, but I feel the 3 or 4 true, meaningful relationships I've had since high school exemplify a 'quality over quantity' disposition. Pass it off as no more than high school romance, but damn if it wasn't love that I felt in those many, many weeks in relationships...I may never feel it. Recently, I've related strongly to the opposite half of the equation -- many, many weeks not in a relationship. In fact, next month will mark 2 years since my last relationship, and I don't mean to convey that as a, "woe is me, I'll never love again!", more than I mean to wonder, "wow, it's been 2 years already?". Believe me, I would be lying if I said that being single has not been tough at times. It has its drawbacks, but it's the positive benefits that count at the end of the day. I have to say, I'm confident that this time out of intimacy has helped me become a stronger person in myself and my future relationships, and I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to recenter my focus on what makes having a significant other so rewarding.

However, seeking perfection in an imperfect system creates obstacles.

Many people who know me know that I can be an open book, wear my heart on my sleeve, if you will. I try not to delve too deep into my interpersonal relationships, especially the sacred nature of past memories with the aforementioned, and I'll do my best to keep it that way for the sake of your attention span and the respect of girlfriends past (hi if you're reading!). What I mean to get at is every relationship, positive or negative, teaches me something new as far as what to do and what not to do. That's something every relationship should do in my opinion, Teach you about love. The personal effects, the sacrifices that must be made, what it means to be a good partner, all of the elements that make up a strong, healthy, and most importantly sustaining relationship. You might be thinking, "Isn't it a little early to have a relationship and be looking for the one?". I know, I've thought the same thing to myself since high school. I've found the broader question to be asking ourselves is, "When is the right time to be thinking about the one?". This challenges me a little. I find myself stuck here in limbo. On one hand, a reality where I spend my time weeding out those I find less than suitable for the long run and dating to search for the person I ultimately spend my life with. On the other, a life of mostly failed relationships with little compatibility, frequent disagreement, and questionable intimacy until you stumble upon the diamond in the rough. I'll admit, the descriptions I gave here do give off a sense of complaint, but they showcase once more the principle of quantity-vs.-quality.

Truly a catch-22 if I've ever seen one.

So what's the better method? More women or more compatible women? After two years of watching others' relationships and the knowledge of my previous relationships combined, I find that the one thing I miss most from being in a relationship is the sharing of passions between two like minded people. Being in a relationship more often than not has brought out the best in me, and others. A successful relationship has potential to breed the most creative collaborative thoughts and ideas imaginable. Advancing an acquaintance into a lifetime friend, the confider of all things confidential and the safekeeper of hopes and dreams. A relationship involving strong mutual support makes you feel...unstoppable. Makes your ambitions sound a whole lot more unstoppable, too. The tides are beginning to turn a new age however, as I see a lot of relationships founded upon mere lust for one another, trivializing the qualities that make human beings remarkable, fascinating creatures and electing instead to substitute them with a set of genitals. Sure, the reward is much more appetizing in the short term, but can you look yourself in the mirror and say this foundation will create a happier and more satisfying future for you? If not, maybe you need something different.

I think I need something different.

To wrap my thoughts up, I bring us back to our question at hand: what is love? Well, less of an emotion. More than a feeling, so to speak. A state of mind, Accepting the fact that as humans, we screw up. Devoting parts of our entire lives to one individual out of compassion and trust. When you can share the hobbies that make you exuberant with a person who makes those activities feel even more grandiose...that is love. Can you blame me for waiting? I've run my trials and tribulations, made my fair share of mistakes and wrongdoings, and now I'm single so that I can look for 'the one'. And I say, 'the one', not quite in the traditional sense of that phrase. I'm looking for the one that I can share this continuing gift of life with. Is that not a gift worth spreading? If not...well, keep an eye out for the one that's worth spreading it with. If wearing my heart on my sleeve is considered negative, so be it.

You could say I've still got a few tricks up my sleeve.