Be a Man

I'm going through a tough time.

I was walking home a couple weeks ago. I live next to a school with a park; naturally there are going to be kids and parents run amuck through the open fields of play. I overheard a conversation between a father and daughter who presumably lived within my neighborhood. The girl couldn't have been older than 5 or 6, and the father was in either his late 30's or early 40's (drug use could have made him look older, but who knows). Besides that, I had no idea who either of them were. All I heard passing by on the brisk evening was the following conversation:

"Do you love mommy?"
"Yeah!"
"Do you love daddy?"
"Nu-uh!"
"Why don't you love daddy?"
"Because you're always gone, daddy. I never see you."

That scene has replayed in my head many, many times since then. Every time I hear the young girl's reasoning, so rich and innocent with childhood, it makes me think of myself as a child. The life I have lived.

My own father.

I grew up like most children. A mom and a dad under one roof. Plain and simple. Around the age of 6, I started seeing my dad less. There wasn't a lot of contact with him. I lived with my mother and grandparents mostly, I only heard from my dad. He was always working. I never thought anything of it. I was just...too young, I suppose. The best days of my childhood were the days where I got a call from my dad, promising a day to spend with him. A fantastic, fun filled day of swimming at a friend's house, going out on the town, or just spending time on a drive. It seemed like even those days were filled with sadness. "I have a little bit of work to finish," a phrase that defined my childhood memories. I would sit in a stranger's house, watching my father work until the sun sank deeper than my heart behind the horizon. But on the occasion, he would keep his promise. I would spend time with him. Those few magical times. The times where I felt recognized. The times where I loved him.

And he loved me.

I moved away from California and began seeing my dad less. Contact would soon fade away. When I would visit, it felt like a new beginning. Things had changed. We would go out on the ATV and pick fresh wild raspberries through the open vineyards of California wine country. Instantly I would feel like a kid again. My dad and I. Together. Happy. I felt safe and secure, meeting fantastic new people that my dad associated himself with whom loved me so. I felt it was a new start.

Things changed.

I haven't seen my father since summer of 2010. I haven't heard from him in nearly a year. The father I once knew and looked up to with gleaming childhood ambition is now what seems to me a perfect stranger that is roaming amongst the Earth, oblivious to the existence of a living and breathing child whom he claims responsibility for.

It hurts.

It hurts me, knowing that I have grown up with no male role model in my life. It hurts me, feeling like I am not important to the very person who many argue is the greatest influence in your life. Perhaps, it hurts me most of all to understand that I am not alone. My own tale is one that is belittled and negligible to the hundreds of thousands of millions of children who have grown up without a father. Even worse, lived with a father who was always there, but only to physically and mentally abuse them into a spiraling torment of darkness. My heart truly extends to those who have experienced anything to the likes of myself or any other extreme. The sad truth is that this epidemic of fatherlessness is spreading unavoidably. Responsibility is at an all time low. Teenage pregnancies are skyrocketing and there is little consequence to the father who thinks it's acceptable to live anonymously. Well I have a message for you.

Be a Man.

How dare you. No, even further, and personally from the bottom of my heart. Fuck you. Fuck you. Your actions cause the absolute degrading of a human life, the bastardization of a child who only wants to know why the hell he can't have his dad come in for career day or where dad is and why he isn't here. Life instantly becomes a broken reality with a missing half that cripples you each and every single day, every minute, every second. Emotion is stricken into a retreat of worthlessness and pain of bearing the scar that you are without something that seems like everybody has but you. All because you thought this was a game. All a fucking game. Step up and do your part. Be there for your children. Cherish every bit of them and never let them out of your sight. They need this love. The attention and affection no one else gives. With that love and care, maybe they wouldn't end up with the burden of never feeling good enough for anyone or feeling lost when you just need someone to be there for you. And there's no one.

I wish you knew that, dad. More than anything.

Entity of Happiness

Quite an exciting week.

There's been a lot of leisure time last week for me to just sit down and think, and I'll be having even more down time this entire week. I really need it, that's for sure. With last week being the big 2,000 view celebration of sorts, I've been thinking a lot about the history of my blog as I mentioned at the very end of last blog. My pursuit to find the meaning of happiness. I've been contemplating all about that statement; what truly does make me happy? I've been up and I've been down, sometimes it's just impossible to really define my source of happiness. That really seems to be all I talk about anymore. Happy happy happy. But perhaps, this is because happiness is present in every aspect of our lives, and you just have to look for your source of happiness.

I don't have to look quite too far.

I've thought about it recently, how important people are to your happiness. The role that those you love play in the ability to be able to surround yourself with those who love you. Love is truly a curious emotion, as it is an entity all its own that possesses so many unpredictable characteristics. Love can hold a significant role in happiness - it makes or breaks a life. The power to love is a double edged sword, either the chances bring fruitful happiness into every aspect, or they pierce the untouched canvas and cripple the inner soul. It's a cliche that has been analyzed and retold and said many times, so I'll try not to beat around the bush as much as I already have. Regardless, I thought a lot about love after my last post and whether it is aiding to my overall happiness.

It is. Of course it is.

In fact, for the last 6 months, I can probably say that I haven't been happier. I've been fortunate enough to meet not only a girl who I may call my girlfriend, but a best friend that I feel like I've known for years. When I reflect to my current situation about a year ago now, I would have never imagined that a year later I would be in such a position as I am. I have nearly everything I could ask for. And I truly do feel happy. I know that I'm not the kind of person to post things like this, especially being so public with my relationship, but 6 months is truly something to commend. Even when I look back, if we are not together in another 6 months, or a year later, or any time. It makes me happy to think that I have had the experiences I had with someone that makes me truly and wholly, happy. That's a great feeling to have.

I love you, dear <3

A Couple Thousand Later

Wow, 2,000 views?

Seriously?

Well, as you all can see, it appears that Catch-22 has reached the double millennial mark. 2,000 and some change. All I can really say is, well, wow. When I embarked on this writing journey nearly a year and a half ago, I would have never imagined that others would take such great notice to what I only wanted to be a place where I could write my thoughts and findings. I mean, it's just what I love to do. The fact that others truly enjoy reading what I do, that's a really humbling feeling. It seems like just last week I was thanking my blog readers for getting me up to (what was at the time) a surprising 1,000 views. My blog just seemed to take off around then, I get about 50 views every blog now, and that's really something that I never anticipated. So, before I start sounding like I'm rambling (which I'm afraid I'm too late), allow me to get to the point.

Thank you. Yeah, you.

Without people like you, I wouldn't have felt a lot of the great feelings I do to this day. It makes me so happy when people come up to me and mention my blog, or say it was really inspiring to them and it was just what they needed, or even just saying that it's written well. Little things like that, it really means a lot. Lately, my blog has been going to places I never thought it would. I mean, I had no idea, but my blog was even briefly mentioned in the newspaper. Not only that, the author of that article even listed me under her favorite blogs on her own website. Being recognized by a journalist as such was one of the coolest things, and I didn't even know about it until a couple weeks ago. It makes me wonder how far this blog may actually go.

But I have to remember my roots.

It's just crazy to think how I started 2,000 views ago. Just posting findings of my life, things I found peculiar in order to reach my own enlightenment. Hell, that's what the caption under my blog name says. This blog still is my pursuit to find the meaning of life. I feel as if every day I become closer and closer to actually discovering this beautiful truth. Through help of supporters like yourself, by the tribulations I face that make me become stronger as a result, it's remarkable the things I have learned simply by sitting down on a Sunday evening and pondering "What have I learned this week?" All I know is that there is much more to come in my discovery. I'm closing in on my findings, and waiting for the one day where that enlightenment I long for so desperately is achieved.

Here's to another 2,000.