Boy, things have been very interesting lately.
And here I sit, typing away, listening to the drunken ramblings of my dysfunctional family. That surely never gets old, especially when it's the fiftyith fucking time this week you've had to put up with it. I don't even know sometimes, I'll be honest. When people look at me, look at my life, ask me about everything, they will never understand what the hell goes on. Am I complaining? Of course I am. But I'm still conscious that there are many people who have worse lives than I. I find it rather disappointing. No one deserves to have to live like this. It's absolutely fucking ridiculous. Chained to the pole like a dog while you are mocked by the same passerbys every day. I swear, nobody understands that all of this stuff is a daily reality. There's never any time to catch a break, and when you do, you have to put on a straight face like everything is okay.
But enough of that.
Gosh, what can I say. I've had an interesting week. I love how everybody was so excited for homecoming. And for what? I honestly couldn't see why everyone was so excited. I really can't wait to hear everyone come back and say "wow, why did I waste my time on that." It doesn't annoy me, but I think it's pretty funny. I've learned a few lessons this week too. Another let down, another horrible mistake that I could have easily avoided. Yet again something so cherished and so dear that I can't have. Letting myself get the best of me once again. This is what I hate about myself. I'm my own worst enemy. Right when I think I can keep my composure, my thoughts cloud and I can't fucking come up with anything.
I really deserve it though.
What a pessimistic thought. But on the converse, how true a thought as well. I keep getting all of these signals, all of these messages that should clearly lead me to believe one thing. Yet, I ignore this and deliberately try to alter my fortune so that things go my way. Maybe, things aren't supposed to go my way. These messages are sealed with the kiss of death that ruins all that I have been working on. To pour my heart and soul into everything that I do, just to be returned with a complete bitch slap to the face. Maybe I should just lower my expectations for everything, so I don't have to be disappointed every time I try and attempt something that benefits me. I would certainly become much less important, and maybe that's what I need.
I really hate this place.
